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Where’d you go? I miss the questions and answers! Let’s hear from you man.

Wandering about you.

Thanks Wandering. I’ve been a slacker and I apologize to everyone that I did indeed drop the ball. I love the questions and answers and I missed everyone. I was following up with some questions that came in, but here in this forum I’ve been neglecting it.
I got buried in myself, my work and I let some things slide that are important to me. I love this forum but I had to pay attention to work issues. My boss confronted me and gave me some clear choices and I had to pay attention to those things.

Now I’m back and I’m in the saddle again. Sorry for the long over due updates. So please bring in the questions! Here are some that I took care of through email in past months.

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Is sex addiction really an addiction?

Curious.

Dear Curious:

Yuppers! It really is an addiction. My father who died several years ago was a long standing member of SA and I was really proud of him. He had an addiction recognized it, and chose to stay stopped.

He and I had many talks about sex addiction and where the boundaries should be for that recovery program. I do believe that it’s an addiction just like any other addiction and that there needs to be clear no doubt about it recovery lines drawn in that program.

Like any recovery playing with it only cheapens it. People who claim sobriety and drink near beer aren’t sober. People who use “Herbal Speed” drugs and claim their clean are liars. The same is true for sex addiction recovery there needs to be lines.

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In my clubhouse there are some new signs going up that shorten the twelve steps and there is talk all around the club about using those new ideas. What do you think?

Dear New:

Not sure what you mean? I’ll take a stab at this from some things I was talking about with a friend from Oklahoma. In the club I spent time in there are some “New Ideas” creeping in and he was sharing with me what those things were. Both of us laughed grandly at the “New Ideas” people were buying into.

Here’s what we both believe. My friend is a grand man and I love his recovery, we also believe in the same things. God speaks clearly in meetings where He’s invited in. The twelve steps make no bones about God and He is there in those steps. If what you are referring to is what my friend and I were laughing about God isn’t mentioned anywhere in those “New Ideas.” That’s why we were laughing.

Man has a bad habit of wanting short cuts and quick fixes. We naturally want to take credit for things that come to us and we do our best to chase God out and take the credit. I’m never for anything that doesn’t invite God in. Where there is no God I have never seen recovery.
Hope that answers it.

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I’m a mother who is driving my seventeen year old son to meetings, what do you think about young people and recovery? Are young people meetings any good? Do young people have a chance at recovery? My son is seventeen and he’s just starting out.

Scared Mom

Dear Mom:

Lots of great questions! The answer to them all is YES!
I was at some great young people gatherings when I first started in recovery. I went to my very first gathering within two months of entering recovery. It was a blast and from that day I knew I could recover.

I’ve seen people who were young even by my young standards come into recovery and never look back. I’ve sat in meetings and heard the horrible circumstances that some of them faced and they too recovered. Recovery is a way of life and there are lots of factors to finding recovery. The one constant is this and I hope you understand it. In most of the literature I’ve read in the recovery programs on thing is constant, “God could and would if He were sought.”

God only cares about the persons heart and God only cares that you open the door to recovery. Anyone is welcome at the table of recovery as long as they are choosing to seek recovery. That table is for all that are willing to recover. God doesn’t have any prejudices only we do. I’ve had many of my own misconceptions challenged and I’m sure I’ll have even more challenged with time.

Young people are the wave of the future for recovery and we need them in recovery. Young people need the older members because of the experiences they’ve had. Both of them need to meet around the tables of recovery and embrace each other.

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I was in a meeting and the topic was a terrible. I sat there as long as I could but I finally had to leave. Not one thing was positive and everyone that spoke only took the terrible topic to new lows.
The chairperson that was sitting in front brought up the topic of Girls and how they dressed! He had been in meeting and one of the girls in the meeting that was sitting next to him had on a bikini top and really short shorts. It bothered him and now he was spending the hour of a meeting with others sharing on it.
What do you think?

Dear Terrible Topic:

Thanks for bringing a pet peeve to me. I’ve been waiting for this type of question. I want to challenge you and everyone else out there to be better meeting attenders. Who’s the meeting for? What’s the purpose of the meetings? What should we discuss at the meetings? Who should be running the meetings?
It doesn’t matter what recovery program you’re in. The answers are the same to those questions no matter what. The meetings are for the “Still suffering soul.” It’s not for some ones power trip and way to gain more control over the fiefdom. Meetings are for a person to come and learn more about recovery not more about how to practice their addiction.

Bringing chaos into meetings and painting it with the brush of recovery is dangerous. Bringing something into recovery that only chases someone out the door is the purest form of chaos there is. Hate, resentment, anger frustration things like that, that are so familiar in our addiction are great tools that chaos uses to drive us back out the door.
I’ve seen groups that went unchecked drive good members out into the cold because they didn’t fit their idea of what recovery is. Strong members need to be heard in the rooms and when topics that have no basis in recovery are brought up need to steer the meeting towards recovery. Sitting passively by and letting a meeting drift while you know better is only signing off on that gross miscarriage of hate or anger.
In the opening of the meeting and in the readings that go before the meeting it’s always stated what the primary purpose is. That purpose needs to be fostered for the good of the group as well as the individual.

Please don’t sit quiet anymore. Be a loud voice and good member of recovery. No needs to be a victim of some ones else’s B.S.
 

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I was told that anything could be my “Higher Power” and I chose a tree. Now some people tell me that I’m going to get drunk because my H.P. won’t work. Is that true?

Dear Tree:

No that’s not true. I’m going to assume that you’re just new and only have been in recovery for a few months. Remember that old cliche? Opinions are like rear ends. Everyone has one and they all stink.
That said people in recovery need to build a sense of a “Higher Power.” To start with anything that makes them feel comfortable, I don’t take issue with that.. A stake needs to be driven in the ground. And we all need a place to start and a tree is a glorious place to start.
My issue comes when that concept stops growing. A person’s Higher Power needs to be big enough to handle the storms of life. There are storms and they are plentiful, I’m sure you know that. A person’s Higher Power needs to be big enough to handle those problems.
There is an old quote that goes roughly like this, “Don’t tell God how large your problems are, shout to your problems how large your God is!”

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Do you really believe all the crap that you write about? It’s so boring. You go on about how great recovery is and you always talk about God! Shut up Joe should be the tag for you!

Dear Shut up:

Thanks for sharing. I believe in the power of recovery and I believe recovery works. You don’t say anything about yourself so I don’t have anything for you, I guess. Keep reading what I write and keep sharing with me your opinion.

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I’m a member of AV what do you think of that?

Dear AV:

I’m assuming you mean Alcoholics Victorious. I don’t believe in that concept at all. If you’ve read anything I’ve written you know I only believe in stopping and staying stopped. I believe in the concept of recovery and in my view the only way to recover is totally, radically change your pattern of life.
It’s easy to point out the mistakes of all recovery programs, all of them of them have problems. I try only to focus on what the historical value of the program has to say.
If addiction is their physical changes have taken place and the substance that caused those changes needs to be removed. That’s why I have the problem with AV and it’s practices. If the person is truly addicted than change needs to happen. If the person isn’t addicted than that is a completely different situation.
Hope that answers the question

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I'm having a hell of a time quitting. This is my second time. I've been using for 1 year after 3 years clean. Can U Help?

Rock Ronc


Dear Rock Ronc:

Stopping is easy. Staying stopped that's a whole new kettle of fish. You had some time so you know what the difference is.

I looked at your page and read some about you. Being a dad is a great thing. Being a dad who has value is a great thing. You need to find that again.

You don't say what you "use" so I'm going to assume from the lingo that it's drugs and that you're a member of NA. Get to a meeting! Find someone who has what you want and do what they say. Get committed again to stopping and get away from slowing down.

I had to do that when I started and even today there are times when I get upside down with life and I have to "90 meetings in 90 days." I've even done more than that because I got so mixed up. Please email me back and if you want some more support I can forward and address of on online group I belong to.

Joe

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I’m in a serious disagreement with someone in the program and every time I see them I really want to be mean. I really want some blood from them because of what they did. What should I do? What would you do with this?


Dear, Mean:


"Easy or Hard" are two decisions you will pursue for the rest of your life. Doing things the "Easy" way is what addiction wants us to do. Taking the "Hard" higher road is what recovery is about.
Growing through Grace is what the steps lead us to do. Letting someone else be mean and allowing them the pain of that experience is good. Not falling into their trap and giving them what they want is even better.



I’ve had to learn that lesson many times and I’m learning it yet again with someone in my own personal life right now. So far I’ve gotten myself through this mine field without blowing myself up.
Good luck to you! Let me know what happens.
 

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I’m pregnant. I had a male sponsor and after some time together we had sex. I’m feeling really stupid about this now. He doesn’t know that I’m pregnant and I’m not sure I want him to know.
I made a mistake what I should I do next?



Dear, Pregnant:


Wow! I’m so sorry that happened. That’s the reason men are with men and women are with women in a sponsoring situation.
I truly hope you have some strong women around you now. I also hope you have a really good woman sponsor now. Share with her what happened. It sounds like the man you were with might have been a program predator. People like him make recovery really hard sometimes for other people and he needs to be stopped from doing it again.



Please get with some great women and the answers to your many questions will come. I have no way to hand out advice on what to do next.

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I’m a Christian and I get really tired of people bashing my religion every time I bring up Jesus as my Higher Power.
I get to hear about others "Higher Power" and I don’t say anything when they claim the local Oak Tree keeps them going. I also hear others claim some of the strangest things as their "Higher Power" and I sit and listen, I don’t always agree with their ideas but I don’t say anything.

Why then am I to be bashed every time I share about Jesus?



Dear, Christian:


Being a Christian in recovery is tough, but there are many great recovering people who have the same beliefs you have. You didn’t share how long you’ve been in recovery so I’m not really sure how many different groups you’ve been to. But please know they are out there waiting for you and they will help you learn how to clear the hurdle of people’s anger whenever Jesus' name is mentioned.
Jesus didn’t pick up anger, he let people be as mad as they wanted to be with him. He led by example and he asks us to lead by example also, especially when we are dealing with others in his name.



Most of the core concepts in recovery are Christian and came directly from the bible. One of recovery's founders wives was a devout Christian. She was a fantastic woman and she kept bringing her husband back to the Bible each time he started straying into ego. She taught him over time to "Keep it Simple" and I encourage you to follow that path.


Jesus asked us to love one another as He loved us, so I also encourage you to love those that get mad when you say the "J" word.
 

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I found you through an article in Seattle and through reading an article on the internet. Thanks for sharing the things you share. I’m still in recovery going to meetings, working with new people and doing everything I need to be doing. My husband, who was in recovery, is now drinking again and I’m not sure what I should do. My close friends know what is going on and they’re helping as best they can.


I don’t want to leave him because we’ve been together for a really long time. His drinking is getting worse and I’m starting to wonder what I should do? Do you have any advice?


Dear, Married:


Please if you can stay married, stay married. I believe in marriage and I believe in staying married as long as there is no violence. With that said, I also believe in the need to be safe. You didn’t mention violence and if you’re husband isn’t violent and being abusive, I recommend an intervention.
Each program has the "Flip Side" and I hope you are going to those meetings.

Being in recovery means living in recovery and if you’re spouse is drinking then you need to be in ALANON. Get there, and if you have kids who are old enough get them involved in recovery. The chaos that your husband is bringing home needs to be voiced and you along with your children need to be able to speak.


The sooner that happens the sooner the gig will be up for your husband. I love the saying "...there’s nothing worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of recovery!" I’ve seen the miracles of recovery as I’m sure you have too and I’ll be praying for you, your family and a miracle.

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I was at a meeting at a club house I normally don’t go to. I’d heard that meetings there are fun and I just happened to be in that part of town. When I pulled in, there was a fist fight going on in the parking lot! A group of people, I guessed from the meeting, were just watching the fight!
I don’t think we, who are in recovery, should be supporting that type of behavior at all. What do you think?


Dear, Clubhouse:


That’s terrible! It really is a bummer when people in recovery falter and crummy stuff like that happens. I’ve seen it happen and I called the police to stop the fight. I got in trouble with some people because I called the police but I couldn’t condone the behavior I was watching either.


I can’t remember the exact quote but here it is, "Terrible things happen when good people do nothing." That’s true and you witnessed it that night. What if someone new to the program witnessed the same fight? Do you think they would come back? I sure wouldn't!


Recovery demands that we leave old things behind! Bringing the chaos of addiction to any part of recovery only cheapens our mission.
 

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The meeting was coming to an end and the basket was being passed around. I was sitting next to someone and I watched them put a five dollar bill into the basket and then they took it back along with some one dollar bills. They made it look like they were taking change for a ten dollar bill!


I wanted to confront them but decided not too. What would you have done?


Dear, Witness:


Here’s what happened when I saw it. I was in a meeting and the person next to my sponsor did that. My sponsor got up and quickly escorted the man out of the meeting and the building. I followed them both, because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. My sponsor got the change back from the man and then told him that he wasn’t welcome at that clubhouse for the rest of the night.


He made it clear to the man that he would be welcomed at the next meeting and that from then on my sponsor would be watching the man every time the basket was passed. He also told the man that he was going to let others know what had happened and that, "Recovery means changing our behavior, all of our behavior."


Since then I’ve had to learn how to protect the meetings I go to. It’s our responsibility to make sure that we encourage recovery and confront addiction when it tries to sneak in the back door of our meetings.


It’s hard to do but we need to be supportive of the meeting like we are of each other.
 

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We claim not to be allied with any religion, sect or denomination right? Is that true? I mean, we open with a prayer, we have a set of rituals that we follow. We have a book that we quote from and there’s lots of other things we do that smack of religion. What gives?


Dear, Religion:


I don’t really have an opinion on this one. I have some very personal beliefs about it and I do my best to keep those to myself. I’ve traveled the controversy road with this topic and I’ve traveled the "New Age" road with this topic.


What I would like to say is check your motives closely and make sure that you’re not tearing down bridges in an effort to escape back into addiction. Recovery needs everyone that is there honestly seeking a way out of addiction. Recovery doesn’t need people who are tearing down and burning bridges as they leave the building.


It happens and it’s up to the strong members to keep the weaker ones from doing damage. I hope you have a strong sponsor with lots of experience behind them.

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I’m just starting out in the program and I want to know why they read the things that are read in the beginning of the meetings?


Dear, Starting out:


Great question. I’m not sure which program you’re from so I’ll just mention this.
Each program I’ve ever gone to has read some things at the beginning and also at the close. Those "Rituals" help set the tone for what is to come. It gives those participating a chance to relax and get ready for the meeting. It’s also "The Mission" statement of that group. Those readings share why the meeting is happening and "What" is going to happen to those that are there.



I’m a fan of the readings. I’ve sat in the groups long enough that I have pretty much everything memorized. I love the "Ritual" and I look forward to that pregnant moment of pause before we start.

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I've heard people talk about "near beer" and some say it's okay to drink it. What do you think?



Dear, Near Beer:

What's my take on drinking near beer? No. I would have the same answer for some of the "Sparkling Juices."

It's pretty simple to protect ourselves, all we have to do is look on the back of the container and it tells us what we need to know. If the container says "Nonalcoholic" then there is still some alcohol involved. I only drink things that say "no alcohol."

The same is true for "speed herbs" like ephedra or any of its derivatives. I don't like them because they are just speed drugs in another form. They do the same thing as near beer or the sparkling juice, they confuse people into thinking it's okay to use them when it's not.

To be clean we need to stop shooting the angles because if we do that, all we are really doing is shooting angles and not doing God's will.

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You claim “Recovery is not a myth! We do recover.” How do you know that?
 

Dear, Skeptic:

It’s easy, if you are in recovery and you are honestly working the steps, all the steps not just some of them. If you have a sponsor and are using that sponsor. If you have the literature of recovery and are using that literature then there are promises. Every recovery based program has steps and with those steps come some inherent promises.

The promises of recovery are what I base that statement on. Recovery is steeped in Spirituality and I believe in God. I believe that if I follow the steps of recovery do what is necessary I am guaranteed a Spiritual Experience. I’m promised an Awakening.

If that is true then I’ve seen miracles happen thousands of times to those around me. With that knowledge then I know for a fact it will happen to me also, I get to have a miracle. If I have that experience I’m transformed. I no longer think like an addicted person. Suddenly Recovery thoughts are more plentiful then addiction thoughts. With time most of my daily thoughts are about others rather than myself and my addiction.

Those simple things plus countless more show me that we do recover we move away from the darkness of addiction and into the sunlight of the recovery. In sunlight addiction has no power and with no power addiction will leave and God is there.

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I don’t know if you can answer this or not. I’m new into AA and I got kicked out of a meeting because I 'only' have a drug problem. Two old guys at the meeting said “I needed to be going to NA because that’s where I belong.” I don’t have a problem with going to NA at all but in my town, which is really small, there is only one meeting a week and I want to be at more meetings. What should I do?
 

Dear, Two Programs:

I get really frustrated with self appointed “Kings” of the program telling people what to do. The best answer I can give is a simple one and one that everyone who attends any recovery meetings need to keep in mind. “Why are you there?” If you’re there under the umbrella of the traditions, especially, “...The only requirement is...” and you are following that tradition there should be no problem.

I do have a problem with the people who come to recovery and are trying to stir up trouble by bringing problems to recovery. They are the ones who are out just to stir up trouble for troubles sake.

Which one are you? If you’re out to attend meetings to get recovery don’t ever let anyone chase you away. Keep going and keep your eye on recovery, the miracle will happen.

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I met a woman online and now we are living together. She claimed she was in recovery and she talked like she was before I met her face to face. She’s brought a lot of chaos into my life and I’m not sure what to do.

We’ve been together for six months and each month it gets worse. Last week she lost her fourth job since she’s lived here. She’s always out of money and I keep helping her out.


Dear, Mr. Online:

We reap what we sow don’t we? Looking for love and then getting chaos in return is not fun. But we do get what we reap. Online anyone can be anyone! Face to face is where it’s at. We can only truly see people for who they are when they are face to face with us. We need to see or potential mates in daily life not in the ideal circumstance that online presents. We need to see our mates over a protracted period of time so the “newness” and we only see the true being after a period of time.

What should you do? I have no ready answer. Whenever someone asks for permission to leave someone I always ask why? Why leave? Why now? What’s different now then at anytime before? Leaving is no answer it’s only a change in perspective. You’re still the same person that met someone online and now you are the same person who is living with someone you met online.

Do some serious work on yourself. Get with your sponsor or better yet a qualified therapist who can help you understand how you ended up at this certain section of road in your life. You got yourself there because of who you are not because of who the person you are with.

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My dad is in AA and he has been in for a really long time. I’m the oldest and growing up we had a good life. Now I’m in college and my mom keeps telling me about how much dad likes to play poker over at the club house.

When we were kids dad used to play lots of poker at the clubhouse but he stopped. It’s strange that he started again now that I’m gone. Is Gambling an addiction? What should I do about my dads gambling?


Dear, College Student:

Yes gambling is an addiction. What should you do? There are many things that I could say...but the single most important one is, get to a Gam-anon meeting now! At that meeting you’re going to meet some awesome people who can help sort out what would be most beneficial for your dad.

It’s easy to say he may only be losing or winning this much. It’s easy to justify he’s only gambling at the clubhouse so it’s not big a deal. Wrong! As you already know it doesn’t matter where, when, how much anyone does anything. It only matters that they are doing it and it’s affecting someone else.

I hope you get to your meeting and then hopefully your mom gets to one also. The next miracle in your family’s life may very well be that your father could end up in GA along with being in AA.

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I’m fourteen. My mom goes to AA meetings. My grandma is in AA too. I have two older sisters and both of them are gone now. I came home drunk last weekend and the next morning my mom and grandma took me to an AA meeting.

It sucked. I was really mad and I didn’t listen to a thing that was said. It was just a bunch of old people sitting around a table. I felt terrible anyway.

My mom says I’m a walking disease. She calls me an AIT (alcoholic in training) Am I? (edited for web site use)


Dear, Fourteen:

Yes, you could be an alcoholic at your young age. Alcoholism is a journey and some people get lucky enough to travel the road really fast. My guess is you might be one of the lucky ones. There are simple online tests that you can take that will help you decide. Here’s a link to one.

As you already seem to know, alcoholism tends to run in families and from the description you have given, it’s in yours. That should give you enough insight to know how you are stacking up. Your mom shouldn’t have said some of the things she said to you. Those were hurtful and possibly uncalled for. She may want to make amends to you for saying them and you should listen to her and give her the benefit of the doubt.

Recovery is a good way of life. It helps to have recovery as a cornerstone in your life. Living life with a mission is better then living life with a bottle for courage. I encourage you to think seriously about who you are already. Are you who you wanted to be? Are you doing the things in your life that you wanted to be doing at your age? Is there room in your life to live a good life?

Lots more questions need to be asked of you and you need to find the courage to look at yourself and then see the truth. In recovery it’s said, “The Truth Will Set You Free!” I hope you try it!

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My best friend is starting to throw up every time she eats. It doesn’t matter if she eats a candy bar or a meal she throws it up. She’s starting to get sick looking. I told how scared I was about what she was doing and she just laughed at me.

She has a boyfriend and he always tells her she is fat and that she needs to lose weight. She’s not fat and she wont listen to me when I tell her he’s a jerk.

I want to tell her parents but I’m afraid I’ll lose my best friend.
 

Dear, Friend:

Wow you are a good friend. A good friend is someone who is willing to tell you the truth even if it’s going to cost you the friendship. The truth needs to come out and you know that already. You didn’t need me to tell you that though.
 
Go to her parents with the truth. They need to get her some help right now. The prolonged effects to doing what she is doing to herself is tragic. She is doing permanent harm to herself each time she takes in a breath. Eating and than throwing up is so damaging to a persons body.

Get other people “In The Know” now. The more people that can come into that young girls life and get her help the better. Getting her self-perception turned around is great thing. She doesn’t need another person in her life who is going put their head in the sand. She needs some strong friends who will tell the truth when it’s needed.

Write back and let me know what happens please.

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