|
|
|
 (212) 870-3400
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION
|
|
FORGIVENESS
Many of us have had the opportunity to examine the meaning of forgiveness. If we have the wisdom and the grace to forgive, honoring the process within our hearts, we will be set free. Intellectually we know this but to emotionally release resentment can be difficult if not impossible. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.” These words were spoken by Dr. Martin Luther King. I have a dear friend who has that outlook on life. She has been blessed with the spirit of understanding. Here is her story.
I had just moved to Boston, Massachusetts in 1969 when I met my upstairs neighbor Melissa in the deserted back stairwell of our eight story apartment building. Both of us were on our way to the laundry-room. I learned she was 20 years of age, from Maryland, had left an alcoholic family (her mother and father both drank heavily until her dad’s death at 48,) and a situation where all her peers were drug addicts. She had no financial support, had made the move on her own, and was searching for normalcy, as was I. I was impressed with her courage to relocate to another city to try and forge a better life. Because of our common background we bonded easily in friendship, one that has lasted almost 37 years.
I was in the throes of a codependent relationship with Joey Haudel (www.ISurvivedDocumentary.com) and although I wasn’t aware of it at the time, my life was chaotic and I was out of control. Joey had moved in with me in the studio apartment right beneath Melissa’s. When things would get rough, she and I would meet in the stairwell for tea. At this point Melissa was working three jobs to pay her bills and wasn’t involved in a romantic relationship but she was supportive when I would vent my problems that seemed to escalate daily. It was the ‘blind leading the blind’, but nonetheless a valuable comradeship. I saw early on Melissa had a deeper acceptance of human foibles than I.
Melissa became involved with a successful professional guy, just about the time I was leaving with Joey to move to California in 1971. Bobby was handsome, intelligent, and a champion body-builder. He earned big bucks and was in demand for his talent and expertise as a financial analyst. The life style he led was intoxicating to my friend and within a few months of meeting him they moved in together, just as I had done with Joey. I met Bobby a few times before we left for the west coast and thought, ‘What a great catch.’ Little did I know he too was alcoholic?
From the beginning Melissa tolerated unrealizable behavior because that is all she had ever known and also she had no one to turn to for help; she had no where else to go. Bobby’s conduct was erratic when he drank revealing a violent temper. Early in their relationship when he returned home from work one evening, discovering the meal Melissa had fixed for dinner, he picked up the enameled pot of beef stew and threw it against the wall. As the vegetables dribbled slowly to the floor, he dramatically exclaimed, “This isn’t a dinner, this is a lunch!” This incident was extremely alarming but she didn’t relate it to drinking or alcoholism because Bobby wasn’t drunk.
Melissa was troubled by his actions and found the behavior puzzling but she made excuses for him because she never saw him smashed the same way she was used to seeing her father. When her dad was intoxicated he was a playful drunk. He would go outside and cuff the leaves of the trees as a punching bag until he eventually passed out but wouldn’t force his vengeance on anyone but himself. He couldn’t hold a job, although he was a skilled electrician, and died at the age of 48. Before his death he would always say to Bobby, “You’re the man, you’re the man!” Melissa felt they had some kind of connection but she wasn’t ready to believe they were two of a kind. She chose to see that Bobby was an intelligent, respected businessman with advanced degrees, but a man with a bad temper.
Bobby had won the title of Mr. Laguna Beach for bodybuilding. His appearance was intimidating, the bulges in the sleeves of his hand-made suits made it clear that he was a guy dedicated to developing strong muscles. One evening in Copley Plaza he and Melissa met at a lovely hotel restaurant for a business banquet. After dinner they moved to the adjoining tavern which was an architectural dream. The walls were paneled with deeply recessed red mahogany squares, and lovely Tiffany lamps adorned the entire length of the bar. They were sturdily designed to take a lot of wear and tear. Each metal lamp, with its decorative glass shade, was built into the surface of the heavily glazed wooden counter. There were no cords or connections that were visible. Bobby was considered to be the ‘laugh a minute guy’ and apparently knew several of the bar patrons. He generously bought rounds for everyone several times. As the evening progressed he became louder and more boisterous. As Melissa tells it, “Everyone began chanting, ‘Take it out, take it out.’ They were taking bets on his ability to pull out one of the embedded Tiffany lamps. Several guys were pounding their fists in rhythm to the slogan. I was horrified and immobile as the spectacle intensified.” Sure enough, Bobby sensationally managed to uproot one of the exquisite lamps, raise it above his head in triumph and Melissa was asked by the hotel manager to pay the bill.
The couple planned a trip to Nassau for much needed rest and relaxation. Melissa, not having traveled that much in her young life, was thrilled about this vacation. She packed several pieces of luggage for both of them. She observed that on the way to the airport Bobby was anxious, fidgety and non-communicative. When they arrived at Boston Logan Airport, while the taxi driver was graciously unloading the trunk of the vehicle, Bobby pushed him aside. He began shouting that his luggage had been damaged and without warning picked up the tire-iron and was ready to hit the man. Melissa was again appalled. A pattern of behavior was immerging; Bobby picked fights.
When they arrived at their hotel in Nassau Bobby went straight to the bar and began his loud, obnoxious conduct. Embarrassed and exhausted from the flight, Melissa left for their room and went straight to bed. Shortly, Bobby came upstairs and asked her to marry him. She said, “I can’t marry a man who is so unpredictable.” With that he jumped on the batik spread and began choking her around the neck! With all the force she could muster, Melissa fought him off her body. She was petrified! Turning on a dime, Bobby began pleading for her mercy. He began begging her to marry him, stating he couldn’t live without her and that his behavior would change; he promised. He left the room as quickly as he had entered leaving Melissa limp and spent. Within the hour Bobby returned to present her with a diamond engagement ring. He was apologetic and remorseful. She weighed her options: Continue to work three jobs or marry a guy who could take care of her and her mother. Against her ‘better judgment,’ she chose the latter.
For the next several years the couple continued on the ‘Fast-Track.’ Bobby was a workaholic, climbing his way up the ladder, and rarely home. Melissa happily took over the job as stepmother to his three children, ages, 9, 12 and 14, as their mother was deeply troubled. She enjoyed parenting the kids and was instrumental in creating a balance where it had been severely lacking. Putting her energy into the family was satisfying and fulfilling; it also pushed her further into denial of the truth of her codependency and Bobby’s alcoholism.
After about five years of marriage, a respected investment firm in New York City offered Bobby a lucrative position with their company. He agreed to take this prestigious job but before they left Boston he purchased a country home in Vermont to assure a place for holidays, weekends and summer vacations in New England. Melissa spent quite a bit of time there decorating her first house. (She and Billy had lived in an apartment-condominium.) She was eager to entertain her mother and sister’s family in a place she could call home; she invited them for a long weekend when her sister’s daughter was about 3 years old. They gladly accepted, flew to Boston and from there drove 3 hours to Vermont. This was going to be a wonderful family reunion. The night of their arrival they all had a great time.
The next day Bobby called on customers and was gone all day. He was invited to an executive luncheon with prospective clients where liquor flowed. The three women stayed home, talking, hanging out together and playing with the toddler. The time just flew by as they were having so much fun. At dusk they were still busy socializing and didn’t bother to turn on the outside lights. Inside it wasn’t that bright because they had been enjoying the sunset, and hadn’t noticed the lights weren’t turned on. All of a sudden Bobby came rushing inside, in a ‘pissy mood’ screaming and flailing his arms in the air, “There are no lights outside! I couldn’t find the house and have been driving for hours! Why aren’t the lights on? Tell me, why aren’t they! And, why is it so dark in here? Where is dinner? What did you fix?” With that he picked up a Waterford vase, threw it against the wall hitting a framed lithograph, scattering glass shards all over the room.
Wow, time seemed to stand still, no one said anything. Bobby went into another room and passed out. Melissa’s mother said, “You have to leave this man, he is crazy!” In the middle of the night her family awakened her and said they were leaving. In spite of the cold, darkness, and not being in familiar territory, they chose to drive themselves to the nearest train station and sit outside until the doors opened in the morning. They went back to Maryland. This was the beginning of the end for Melissa.
It wasn’t long after that incident the two of them were having breakfast one morning in their New York apartment. Melissa commented about something on a page of the newspaper. Bobby said curtly, “Can’t we just sit here in silence without reading?” She retorted, “I am 32 and I am not going to live my life like this anymore! I want a divorce!” Bobby went crazy! He ran to the 35th floor and threatened to jump. It seemed to her that the whole New York Police Department was downstairs with a few deputies working diligently to bring him in safely. This drama went on for hours and his son David finally talked him into coming down. Melissa had such bottled up anger toward Bobby that she picked up a lamp and threw it at him.
Back in Boston, walking through Faneuil Hall, Melissa felt liberated. Six years of marriage to such an extreme guy caused her to question her own sanity. For many years she worked on herself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Her talents in business were exceptional, affording her a wonderful salary, property and travel opportunities. She was fortunate to make countless friends who were like family to her, as well as, to travel to Maryland several times a year to visit her mother and sister. She has studied codependency and used any opportunity she has had to check in with herself in regards to her mental health. Melissa has become a healthy, happy, well-balanced woman.
For the last 25 years she has stayed close to David, Bobby’s middle child, spending many holidays with him. Although Melissa didn’t want to know, David insisted on keeping her abreast of the details about his father. He told her Bobby had moved to Hawaii 15 years ago feeling he had done everything he could on Wall St. He had given up cocaine but was still drinking and body-building. He was a substitute professor and managed to work just enough to pay his bills.
Two years ago David gave his father Melissa’s e-mail address. She was absolutely furious! She wanted nothing to do with him, but to her surprise Bobby wrote her he was clean and sober. He had spent all of his money on booze, women, and cocaine, hitting bottom at age 68. Slowly, ever so slowly, he was beginning to heal. They began an internet correspondence, not a romance, but a friendship. When I heard this I was quite skeptical but it wasn’t my business and knowing Melissa’s good heart I chose to watch and wait.
Bobby is now 70. Melissa told him she didn’t want him to die in Hawaii alone, to come home and be with his children. Last summer he did just that. He lives meagerly on social security but is content to have his sobriety. According to her he is so grateful for his sanity he doesn’t complain at all about his financial struggles. He has stayed as a guest in her home feeling somehow connected to Melissa. She said he feels like family.
Melissa has been good to her mother; it is stressful to be away from her when she is ill. She has moved her two times in Maryland searching for the most comfortable independent living situation. It hasn’t been easy but Melissa loves her dearly and wants her to be happy. A few weeks ago her mother became depressed, dehydrated, and was on a downhill slide spending several days in the hospital. Melissa called Bobby and asked if he would fly to Maryland and stay with her until she could return on the weekends. He said he would gladly come there and take care of her. He said, “I am indebted to you; I will do anything for you.” Melissa’s mother has been treated well under Bobby’s care. He has bathed her, fed her special meals, poured her tea, made her laugh and tucked her in at night. Melissa told me she didn’t know what she would have done without him.
“Kay, I forgive him. I am fortunate to have the opportunity in this lifetime to see the power of forgiveness.”
What about you?
Read my included articles on Recovery Times: I AM HEALTHY and Older Woman, Younger Man. Visit my website:
© Recovery Times. All rights reserved. Recovery Times has but one purpose and goal, and that is to carry the message of 12-Step Recovery -- as written and practiced in its founding organization's (AA's) unaltered 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, and 12 Concepts for World Service, but not limited to only AA-sanctioned material (such as The Holy Bible, The Koran, The Upanishads, etc.). Recovery Times is not affiliated nor approved with or by any 12 Step organizations. Recovery Times publishes only each author's opinions or positions on all matters, and doesn't necessarily agree or disagree with anyone on anything. Our Principles and Protocols are expressed beautifully in the Prayer of St. Francis (p.99, 12-Steps and 12-Traditions). Site best viewed at 1024 x 768 with Internet Explorer
|
6.0 or Netscape 
7.1 or Higher or