PSYCHIC ENERGY

I entered this world with an understanding that there was more to life than what we experience with our five senses.  As a child I couldn’t put it into words, but as confused as my home life was, I knew there were other realities.  When I heard talk of fairies, I believed they lived in a space of their own, another dimension.  I didn’t dare discuss this with anyone for I felt they would think I was crazed.  It seemed as though my intuition was heightened; I would dream events before they happened. 

            In my twenties, I was in great anguish because of a difficult divorce. I took to the bed, as had been my pattern for many years when facing troubles. There had never been a divorce in our family; I was young, embarrassed, and ashamed of my failure. Having grown up in an alcoholic family, I was used to denying pain.  I would lie on the bed or the sofa for days; unaware of my surroundings, unable to put one thought in front of the other and was generally comatose. I didn’t know it then, but I was seriously depressed.

            One hazy, humid, summer afternoon, after I had been in this prone position for hours, I felt a strange sensation; it felt as if my body were floating in air.  I opened my eyes to see the brilliance of the sun radiating through the leaded glass windows pervading the room.  It seemed as if I were suspended in an energetic vibration.  I experienced peace and oneness with the universe.  This might have been called an out-of-body experience.  I emerged from this state-of-being stronger and aware that I was open to knowledge beyond my ordinary belief system.

            This epiphany occurred in the late 1960’s when I was teaching college in Columbia, Missouri.  There weren’t any metaphysical bookstores in this Midwestern town where I lived.  The only books about extrasensory perception were those of Jeanne Dixon.  They were small paper back books telling of her psychic predictions.  I found it fascinating reading about this clairvoyant. I knew her ability to see the past, present and future was a gift.  At the time I wasn’t aware that many people have this talent.  They just don’t trust what they feel nor do they believe it is happening to them.  I did accept that I was attuned to mystical energy albeit underdeveloped.

            Having spent my youth in Missouri, I felt it was time for me to move to either coast, San Francisco, CA or Boston, MA. I flipped a coin and it was tails, Boston.  I set out on my journey to a new life the summer of 1969.  All the way across country I sought psychics, tarot card readers, and any person claiming to be a fortune teller.  I was obsessed, just like I always had been, and the codependent was seeking control of her own future.  I wanted to be told what it was going to be!  Pure and simple.  The past had been so mottled I needed answers and I was convinced the spiritualists could give them to me. I must have had at least 7 readings that summer and many more the first year I was in Massachusetts.  Some of the psychics were amazing in their accuracy of my past, which only fueled my beliefs that what I was being told about the future must be true.  I was too afraid to let events happen naturally, I wanted to be prepared for everything that was going to take place in my life.

            Of course I took accurate notes at every psychic session or the reader would be kind enough to put the information on tape.  I played them over and over and compared facts to see if anything lined up.  That year 1969-1970 many details repeated themselves.  Each seer would have a different style but the same theme was reoccurring:  I was going to meet, marry, and have an artistic life with a man with the initial J.  We would move to California to pursue our career together.  Since I was on a mission to create my own family (and distance myself from my immediate relatives) this news was exciting!  About this same time I had one of my prophetic dreams.

            These dreams were different than the ordinary type of dreams one usually has.  I would awaken with a feeling that this was knowledge of a future event.  It was a knowing, feeling experience, as certain as knowing the time of day when you look at a clock.  I just knew it was real, although I wasn’t always clear about the symbolism.  This confident emotion would last several hours in the morning and I would have fleeting memories of the dream during the day.  I dreamt I was holding hands with a light-haired young man, we were walking around the world (globe) and bottles of alcohol were being emptied into the ocean.  As the liquid would hit the water, it would dissipate and a golden light of love would take its place.  On this journey, as he and I walked, we were joined by thousands of people who were rejoicing in this brilliant radiant light. I wasn’t sure, but I thought we were engaged in some type of partnership that involved masses of people.  There was an umbilical cord attached between each of our solar plexus.

            It wasn’t long before Joey Haudel entered my life.  We did marry, move to California and were ceramicists together.  We were embroiled in a 12 year liaison which I have written about on several occasions.  www.ISurvivedDocumentary.com.  In spite of the difficulties that an alcoholic, unbalanced relationship can bring, we had a powerful spiritual connection.  We knew we had a job to do and it was more than just art.  We traveled together in physical space to better understand the insidiousness of Codependency.  Although deceased, Joey died from alcoholism at the age of 42, he surrounds me in spirit and continues to guide my work in every way.

            During my time with Joey I didn’t go to psychics or even read anything metaphysical.  I was too busy living a sick, codependent existence and keeping it under wraps.  For most of those 12 years it took all of my energy to attempt to control our lives.  I don’t think I wanted to hear about the future, afraid my bubble would burst.  After all, wasn’t this what I had always wanted; a husband and a great career?  Especially, since he and I lived and worked together 24-7?   I didn’t remember many of my dreams and I certainly didn’t have any that were visionary.

            Near the beginning of my recovery, after I reached bottom and Joey and I had separated, I began to seek out the word of psychics once again.  Here I was, just like before, dependent on the word of an outside source.  Rather than look within, (I wasn’t ready yet,) I spent my time scouting for “spiritual advisors.”  The Bay Area, CA, was rich with every type of “reader” imaginable.  I saw a famous psychic on a television show and the host mentioned she was from California.  I was eager to locate her, regardless of the cost, because she was well known all over the country.  I saved my money, $300, yes, shocking at the time but I wanted the word of an authority.  I found her in a nearby coastal town and eagerly drove two hours to hear my fate.  What I heard that day was incredible:   She said excitedly, “You are going to meet a man 6 weeks or 6 months from today’s date.  He has sandy hair and blue eyes.  He is going to be your life partner; you have been together before in another lifetime.”  Keep in mind I was just beginning Al-Anon and individual therapy.  I certainly wasn’t a healthy woman and I believed her as if she were speaking the word of God.  I took a picture out of my pocket of an actor/model I carried with me to visualize the type of man I wanted to meet.  She commented, “That man is Tom Selleck.  You will marry him or someone who looks just like him.”  I almost croaked.  The picture I showed her was Tom Selleck (before the success of Magnum, P.I. when he was a fashion model,) although the photographer had changed his hair and eye color for the layout.  In the shot I had with me, his hair was sandy and his eyes were blue.  She went on to say, the week before a supporting actor from his TV show had been to see her.  She called this serendipity.

            I am still embarrassed by my actions, but I feel it is important to share my bizarre behavior with you so that you can see just how disturbed I was:  I chased up the coast, not even stopping to see the breathtaking scenery, and ran to the nearest art store to buy the largest poster board I could find.  I bought two panels; each was 3’ by 3’ backed with foam core.   I went home and equipped with glue and scissors I began the first of two visualization posters.  I had been making posters for years, “The Art of Visualization,” and was ready to create a magnificent collage using all the photos I had saved of handsome men to inspire this “husband to be” to come into my life.  To my astonishment when I searched my art files for portraits, all the men’s pictures were of Tom Selleck.  (As an artist it is common to collect pictures from magazines for future use i.e. animals, faces, bodies, houses, gardens, etc.)  I plastered these photos on both boards, filling every space with visions of this actor.  On the back of one of the boards, I listed 101 qualities I wanted in a man. When I was finished I propped them up on my dresser, two feet from my bed, where my subconscious would soak in these images and what I believed would create my objective, to marry Tom Selleck or someone who looked just like him.  Again, this was all I knew to do, to try to control the situation and make it happen.

            For months I lived with these posters.  If I went away for the weekend, I even brought them along.  One day in the spring, after an audition in San Francisco, a woman I knew from my acting career asked for a ride home.  We stopped at my house first for she had never been to my cottage in the city.  As she passed my bedroom she gasped, “What are those?  Kay, you are not letting any other man into your life if all the pictures are of Tom Selleck.” When she saw the 101 character traits on the back, she said, “What are you trying to do, bake a man?”  I told her of the psychic’s prediction and asked her, “Do you know anyone who looks like Tom Selleck?”  She didn’t hesitate, “Yes, my brother Richard.  In fact, my brother lives here now but while he was living in Hawaii he actually worked as a double for Tom Selleck on the Magnum P.I. TV show.  I am going to call him and see if I can fix you two up.”  Six months to the day from the reading of the famous psychic, I met her brother Richard.

            I was shaking as we met for the first time in the lobby of a spectacular local hotel.

I noticed he didn’t ask me for lunch, dinner or even coffee but I didn’t care.  I just knew our “meeting” was meant-to-be.  When I saw him it felt like I had known him forever.  It was familiar.  We made a date for the following Saturday to drive down the coast.  What a strange day.  We held hands and talked all afternoon like a couple who had been together forever but there wasn’t anything romantic about the excursion.  It seemed as though we had been married for 30 years, but we had just met.  When he dropped me off later that evening, he said he would call me the next day.  I never heard from him again.  I did receive a postcard a few weeks later telling me how much it had meant to him to meet me.

            My conduct became dramatic and “way over the top.”  I refused to believe this wasn’t the man of my dreams, after all, hadn’t I been told of this meeting, and to the very day 6 months earlier.  I made cards, wrote letters, built a sculpture and mailed one a day for three weeks to his P.O. Box.  After one month of not hearing from him, all the letters and cards came back in a large bundle with the words printed boldly; Occupant Unknown.  Looking back on this escapade I am humiliated and see a pathetic woman desperate for love and attention.  It almost had the look of “Fatal Attraction.” I’m sure I must have scared him.  Thank God, I was able to look at myself and get help with my shortcomings.  It was at this point I began working diligently on my recovery.  A few years later I sent this man an apology to the same address.  It wasn’t returned.

            I still do believe in visualizing my goals and dreams.  It is the obsessive-compulsive actions and denying the truth that is so sick.  In retrospect, I probably have been with Richard in a past life; that is why he felt so familiar.  I do believe some metaphysicians can see the past, present and future.  I also feel psychics can be skilled to see through all the layers of co-existing realities.  But, do I need to hear about it and possibly be confused.  This is a choice we make when we decide to have a reading with a seer.  I feel if you want to have fun and take the information lightly, then “go for it.”  Remember, they are human, information can change, and they aren’t always right.  Since that incident many years ago I have seen very few psychics.  The ones I have seen have not been fortune-tellers but have been women who have given me sound advice about my career, not predictions.

            As to my own growth as an intuitive, I had an amazing experience three years ago:  My girlfriend Helena and I were in my kitchen.  I was at the sink looking out the window when she said, “Kay, I smell alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.”  I turned around to see a quizzical look on her face.  Just as she said that, my cat Reebok jumped on the table, which he had never done, and began sniffing the air, chirping weirdly, while rolling his head in a peculiar fashion.   The room filled with a heavy mist that looked like fog.  I went to the window and deliberately closed it because I wanted to make sure vapor wasn’t coming in from outside.  Just as I did that, the heavy mist coagulated, swirled around like a cyclone, and left the room.  The cat followed it out.  I knew, without a doubt, that Joey was trying to reach me.  That night I had a wonderful dream:  Joey and Debra, “Suicide: In Memory,” joined by thousands of people, were pouring alcohol in the oceans and rivers. As the liquid evaporated it was transformed into a magnificent golden light.  This radiance shone over the entire world.  Fairies were dancing in fields of orange poppies.  Joey spoke to me, “Kay, you are being helped by millions of souls on this side.  We have been at this for a long time.  It is time for the earth to heal.  Your mission is to tell the truth.”

            We have spirit guides and guardian angels.  All we have to do is ask and they are there for us.  I am open to the spiritual connection from all our guidance, What about you?