The Secret Shame of Alcoholism: One Woman’s Story

    It’s 7:00 p.m.  You had a bad day at work again.  The kids are driving you crazy.  Your husband is working late again.  All you can think about is putting the kids to bed and sitting back with the bottle of wine that is chilling in the fridge.  You realize that you replace that bottle of wine daily but think “I work hard and I deserve it.”  The splash of soapy water brings you back to reality; more laundry to do.  The bottle of wine sits in the fridge, waiting.  Only an hour left to go...

     Alcoholism; it is a word shrouded in desperation and shame.  As a woman suffering from alcohol addiction, the stigma is doubly so.   As a little girl, I didn’t run around, squealing excitedly about wanting to be an alcoholic when I grew up.  I didn’t strive to be a sad, lonely person; it just happened. 

     My childhood left a lot to be desired.  My mother had her own demons to deal with and my father was gone more than he was home.  A little girl, full of hope and promise, evolved into an adult full of fear and mistrust.  My self esteem was non existent.  By the age of eighteen, I felt tired, helpless and alone.  When my brother passed away, I felt I had suffered enough.  He passed away the day before I turned eighteen.  As I wished myself a “Happy Birthday” and stared at my brother’s lifeless body, I knew just what I wanted.  I wanted a drink and not just one drink.  I wanted to drink away every pain that life had brought to me.  From that day on, I didn’t care.  Alcohol became my best friend. 

     As time went on, it was evident that I was not going to live the life that society had laid out for me.  I couldn’t hold onto a relationship and most of those situations were horribly abusive in nature.  I really didn’t want kids.  I just wanted my life back.  I didn’t know who I was; I had lost touch with her years ago.

     Within the midst of my struggles, I became the editor of a 12 Step Recovery website.  In an attempt to clean up my own life, I hoped to help other women as well.  I understood the pressures that women faced within society and the negative effect that alcoholism can have on one’s life.  In a society which has historically viewed women as the caretaker of the two sexes, the idea of a women suffering from alcoholism create negative consequences that encourage secrecy and hinder recovery.  Many women feel shameful about their addiction and hide it thus delaying the recovery process.  I wanted to help and know more.  I wanted knowledge that would help me recover.

     I was shocked at what I learned.  I received emails from women who felt great heartache in their lives and turned to alcohol for comfort.  I spoke to women who felt great anger towards society for making them feel as if marriage and family was the key to their happiness.  These women now hid their bottles from their spouses while they drank away their pain.  Women who forgot their previous dreams and desires in the pursuit for the “perfect” life hated the life that they had found.   In the end, alcohol was ruining their lives just as it had mine and they too were searching for the way back.  Some women asked me for information on how to find help for their addiction while other’s just needed to vent.  I received many emails stating that my articles helped them realize that other women did suffer and they felt less alone in knowing that.

     Today, I feel much better than I have ever felt.  After fourteen years of addiction and suffering, I feel hopeful that I am turning the tables on my life.  I have always wanted to be a writer.  Writing for the recovery site helped me to start that process.  I have come to terms with my childhood and have forgiven my parents for their lack of judgment.  I live life daily and try not to worry about the future; I just try my best to work towards what I want.  I have realized that forgetting you dreams kills your spirit.  When you have nothing to strive towards, it is easy to lose your way.  When you live your life according to someone else’s rules, it is easy to forget who you once were.  Live life according to your rules and never let others bring you down. Learn to forgive and accept that you are human and we all make mistakes.  Look to the future and learn from the past. You’ll be glad that you did.  Take care of you…