Why I Hate Drinking

 Every now and then, I find myself looking back at days gone by and re-reading things that I have written.  Here is a journal entry that I wrote a couple of years ago. 

-          The title is misleading. I LOVE to drink; maybe too much. But every time I drink, the next morning, I wish that I didn't. Most times, I think this when the pain over my left eye is so debilitating that I cannot see or the stained porcelain staring back at me provokes a new wave of retching.

Drinking has always been a negative issue in my life, from the early days of stumbling home before curfew to drowning my sorrows to help numb the pain. It has always been there, leering at me, tempting me to indulge in the temporary happiness that it provides. When reality kicks in, I once again find myself fighting a pounding headache, dancing insides and a wasted day never to get back.

It feels silly yet horribly sad to be a thirty-something woman crouching over the toilet like a drunken teenager. I'm a woman who has such high hopes for success in the freelancing world but hides her fears behind the bottle. When I feel unsure about my relationships, I turn to alcohol. When work becomes a little more stressful than normal, I drop into the corner store on my way home to visit my six little buddies; maybe twelve if I am horribly distressed! Whether I feel happy or sad, I turn to alcohol for celebration or solace. Any reason is reason enough; any excuse to make it ok. Drinking is a way to escape reality until reality hits me as I am struggling to remember my actions from the night before. It's a scary place.

With age comes the inability to fight the effects of a night of drinking. I didn’t believe it when people would tell me that hangovers get worse as you get older. A night of drinking can certainly guarantee a morning of sickness and regret. It's pretty sad to realize that fifteen years after realizing that I have a problem, I am STILL struggling.

Why is the pull so strong; why would anyone choose to put themselves through such self-inflicted agony? Some feel that it is a physical pull; some people are just genetically prone to alcohol abuse due to heredity and family history. Others live a lifestyle in which alcohol plays a large part; it is socially accepted within their circle of friends.  But for me, it is a way to deal with my fear of moving forward and following my dreams. It is a crutch that I frequently use for many reasons. When things are going well. I have a drink. If I am sad or stressed, I have a drink. If the sun is shining, I have a drink.

This is a sad reality that I have dealt with for many years. I would like to stop and follow my lifelong goal; to become a freelance writer. As I write this, I feel as if I have taken the first baby steps. I am in the second day of a very unforgiving hangover but it is the first morning that I have actually written something and put pen to paper. Maybe there is a chance for me to follow my dreams...just maybe..."

 

Take care,

Tracy