June 1, 2006


  Sometimes I can clearly see how I have changed. I went in for a mammogram this morning--a 10:00 appointment. When I checked in, this little gal behind the counter told me my appointment was 9:00. No, says I, it's 10:00. I informed her that someone named Liz had called me the day before to confirm my ten o'clock mammo. Looking chagrined, she excused herself to consult with the x-ray technician, then returned to announce begrudgingly that they would try to "squeeze me in." I just smiled and said, Well, jolly good. That's what I came here for in the first place--to "get squeezed in." She didn't get the joke but the x-ray tech did when I finally made it to the back over an hour later. She thought it was pretty funny. She also apologized for the mix-up (unlike the other girl) and complimented me on my calm demeanor. I just told her that's what the Serenity Prayer was for.

  You know, five years ago I would have thrown a tantrum at the front desk. Somebody would have paid the price for making me sit an extra hour (chances are I wouldn't have even stayed--I would have stormed out in a huff), not to mention being so blase about it. That girl would have felt my razor-sharp tongue ripping her to shreds.

  Not today-- after 4 years and 8 months of practicing the principles. I felt no anger, no gut churning, and no need for retaliation, because it was no biggie.

  Today I am grateful that God put the squeeze on my temper.

June 2, 2006


  I had to go out to my husband's business this morning, like I do on the 1st of every month, and do the statements for the store. I hate it when that chore falls on a Tuesday or Thursday because it means I miss my women's meeting. Those meetings are my serenity serum. The only upside I can see to missing them is that it makes me realize how much I need them. How's that for seeing the bright side?

  Thank goodness my daughter arrived in town just as I finished up. I hooked up with her and we spent the rest of the day shopping, eating, and idolizing that little munchkin that makes my heart soar like a kite. Seven glorious, wonderful hours with him was a sufficient substitute for my meeting withdrawal symptoms.

  Remember that movie Pollyanna with Hayley Mills? I think I've mused on it before. I kept thinking about the part where she is talking to the town minister while he is practicing his sermon. She is so sweet and innocent, but more importantly, she is heartbreakingly honest about everything. She tells the minister that her deceased father, who was also a minister, loved to find the "glad" scriptures in the Bible to pass on to his congregation. She also wears a locket around her neck that her father had given her in which these words are inscribed: "If you look for the bad in people, you will surely find it." If I'm not mistaken, it was attributed to Abraham Lincoln, but correct me if I'm wrong.

  She breaks through the stern, rigid, and gruff manner of the minister (was it Reverend Ford?)--just melts his heart, and he begins to look for the good in his parishioners, and by golly, he finds it. Where church had been torture before, it becomes a happy place. He no longer pounds the pulpit and shouts hellfire and damnation. The whole congregation is shocked, but obviously pleased.

  I've taken a long time to get to the point, but I remember how painful it was to look inside myself and not be able to see anything but bad. I thought I was doomed--that there was nothing good left in me to find. But through recovery and sobriety, I looked for the good and I found it. (and I just swallowed down a big lump in my throat when I wrote that)

  Today I am grateful I found something salvageable in me.


June 3, 2006


  I have been such a zombie today. I planned to make a meeting, but the fatigue hit about 10:00 this morning and zapped me of all my energy. At 11 I sat in the recliner and leaned back to "rest my eyes" and the next thing I knew I was having a series of bizarre dreams. The dreams were lucid at times--I knew in my dream that I was sleeping and wanted to wake up, but simultaneously, I was dreaming that I was half-awake and staggering about.

  My closest friends in AA had come to check on me and they were shaking their heads in disgust and disappointment, saying things like, "We can't help you until you help yourself," and then one by one they got in their cars and drove away. I was slurring and trying to tell them I wasn't drunk--I was sleepy and couldn't wake up, but they wouldn't believe me.

  When I finally awoke, I was flabbergasted to see that it was 4 in the afternoon! I still felt exhausted, but relieved that the dreams were just that--dreams. They had been so vivid and frightening. The rest of my day was spent in a sluggish stupor--way too reminiscent of my drinking days. If I had to make myself find a blessing in today, it would be that the knowledge was driven home to me that my health is not a direct effect of drinking today. It used to be just the opposite.

  I am tremendously grateful that whatever is going on in my body right now, it is not due to alcohol.

June 4, 2006


  I have been such a zombie today. I planned to make a meeting, but the fatigue hit about 10:00 this morning and zapped me of all my energy. At 11 I sat in the recliner and leaned back to "rest my eyes" and the next thing I knew I was having a series of bizarre dreams. The dreams were lucid at times--I knew in my dream that I was sleeping and wanted to wake up, but simultaneously, I was dreaming that I was half-awake and staggering about. My closest friends in AA had come to check on me and they were shaking their heads in disgust and disappointment, saying things like, "We can't help you until you help yourself," and then one by one they got in their cars and drove away. I was slurring and trying to tell them I wasn't drunk--I was sleepy and couldn't wake up, but they wouldn't believe me.

  When I finally awoke, I was flabbergasted to see that it was 4 in the afternoon! I still felt exhausted, but relieved that the dreams were just that--dreams. They had been so vivid and frightening. The rest of my day was spent in a sluggish stupor--way too reminiscent of my drinking days. If I had to make myself find a blessing in today, it would be that the knowledge was driven home to me that my health is not a direct effect of drinking today. It used to be just the opposite.

  I am tremendously grateful that whatever is going on in my body right now, it is not due to alcohol.

June 5, 2006


  I was a bit of a veggie again today, but at least I stayed upright and awake! I was watching a cheesy movie on Lifetime that had a recovery plot line and heard this: "A man takes a drink, then the drink takes the man." It was referring to an alcoholic of course. Boy, that is so true isn't it? We take a drink and the drink takes us. Mine took me to places I never wanted to go and hope I never go to again. I'm not just talking actual locations either--though it was certainly true. The worst place alcohol took me was to an emotional, physical, and spiritual Hell. It took me to a place so dark I couldn't see any light or hope. It took me to the black pit of despair and hopelessness. It took me to that "jumping off place."

  Today I am grateful that if I don't take a drink, the drink can't take me.

June 6, 2006


  "When we know better, we do better. Now this fools a lot of people because they think that since they know these things intellectually, they know them. They don't. Forty years ago, I knew everything I know now that is of consequence in my life except one thing: the disease of alcoholism. I didn't know anything about that. Forty years ago I believed everything that I believe now that is consequential to my way of life. I was born believing in God and I never got drunk enough not to believe in God. Belief in God is good, but it's not good enough. If you are a drunk, living in God is the only answer there is. The consciousness of the living presence of the Almighty. The only answer there is. In Him I live and move and have my Being. So when we know better we do better. I knew it from the neck up, forty years ago. I know it all over, now." (A New Pair of Glasses)

  Wowie Zowie. I know that's a long excerpt, but I just couldn't edit it down--every word was so profound. I didn't know one single thing about the disease of alcoholism, even though I was raised by an alcoholic mother. I love the way Chuck C. explains things so I can understand them. "When we know better, we do better."

  We are living examples of that statement. We know about this disease now. We have learned (gained knowledge, skill, or and understanding by study or experience) what an alcoholic is and what the drink does to us. With that knowledge comes the gift of choice. Before we knew, we had no choice. We drank because we didn't know what else to do. I guess I should be using I instead of we, but I'm too lazy to go back and change it now.

  "I knew it from the neck up forty years ago. I know it all over, now."
Yes, my heart and soul have been synchronized with my mind. I know it all over now.
Today I am grateful for Chuck C.

 

June 6, 2006
 

I'll begin with a kwik update for those of you are concerned about me and my fatigue. And even if you could care less, that's OK too .     I saw the doc today and thus began the process of elimination. In the next three weeks, I will undergo a series of poking, prodding, exploring, and other testing adventures. With each test, he will rule something out, or make a diagnosis, whatever the case may be.  Just keep praying me through, Faithful Muse Readers. I'm sure I'll be back to normal (or at least as normal as a goofus like me can be) soon.      Now, let's get back to Chuck C and another excerpt from A New Pair of Glasses.  This one is from pages 20 and 21 and it reads: Here are the steps we took.  We're sober. Now don't say, "Here are the steps we read, or heard read, or learned by heart." Don't say that. Don't say, "Here are the steps we interpreted." You can't find that in our book, so don't say that. Don't say, "Here are the steps we conned God into taking for us."   "Here are the steps we took..." and the reason we have to take them is because we're caught in a trap we can't spring. We have to have help and can't get help until we recognize the need for it.      I went ahead and put all his text in blue so you wouldn't think I wrote something that amazing. And it truly is incredible, isn't it? He didn't beat around the bush...he took a machete and chopped the bush down, getting right to the heart of the matter. Man, I love the way he writes!      Once we take the steps, we then have to live them--"practice these principles in all our affairs."  Don't be intimidated if you're new--we all stumble, we all fall short, and we all make mistakes. This life of sobriety is real life--it's genuine and sincere--not that fraudulent life we had before, with alcohol at the wheel. With God driving, you have a good chance of rolling down this Broad Highway without any major accidents or fatalities. And my friend, a fatality is definitely a possibility if you try to take control and think you can drink again.       I love this life and I am so grateful there is Someone in control of it who has my best interest at heart.