May 1, 2006


  I was at the Recovery Emporium website a while back and found some handy dandy info on working the 4th Step. Someone passed on what their sponsor had shown them and I think it's pretty darn cool. You begin by listing your resentments. Pages 64 and 65 in the Big Book explains resentments explicitly. It says specifically that we "set them on paper." Page 66, my favorite page, spells out the perils of harboring resentments, followed by instructions on how to deal with them.

  After that list is complete, you make a list of your faults, your mistakes, your wrongs. On page 67 it says "When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white."

  After that, you list your fears--remember what the book says about fear? It is an "evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it." Page 68 says "We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them."

  Your 4th list is reviewing your sex conduct. Page 69 (stop chuckling now) says "We got this all down on paper and looked at it."
That's where it ends, but I added a 5th category--your assets....the good stuff. I figure it is just as important to determine what is valuable in you that you want to keep, as it is to determine what needs to be tossed out. Page 64 compares our 4th Step to a business inventory--a "fact-finding and a fact-facing process." The objective is to "disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret."

  The 4th Step can be a gut-wrenching, emotionally draining experience. Personally, I felt soiled when I started digging up that dirt about myself, so I now suggest to my sponsees who are working on the 4th to take stock of their good qualities and put them on paper. I tell them not to be too modest--this is a journey of learning self-love also, not just inventories, amends, and repairing damage. I suggest they ask their friends and loved ones what their good qualities are and not to be shy about it. Gotta get some feel-good vibes goin' there y'all! This Step doesn't have to feel like punishment, man. It's your ticket to glorious freedom.

  Today I am grateful for the experience, strength, and hope of the fellowship.

May 2, 2006


  I realized recently that I don't hate anybody anymore. Maybe I haven't for a long time--I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. When I was drinking I was full of hate. I judged and criticized people, people I didn't even know very well. For example; there was a lady who bowled in my league that I despised. 'She makes me sick' or 'she thinks she's hot stuff' was my thought every time I saw her. I assumed things about her that I had no valid reason to assume. I treated her badly and I ripped her to shreds with my razor tongue to anyone who would listen. But I saw her about a year into my recovery and I said "Hi Toni" as she walked by me. She said 'hi' and we had a little chat. She is a really nice lady and we have a great relationship now.

  I know I was projecting my own feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred onto her. I was envious of her because she seemed to have it all together. I imagined that she was vain and snobby. I imagined that she thought she was better than all the other women bowlers. It was all a big crock of hooey. I was the one who was all those things and I had to tear her down to feel better about me.

  She's just one of many people for whom I used to feel an intense dislike or hatred, but when I see those people now, I'm seeing them through my handy dandy new pair of sober glasses. I thought of this because I ran into another one yesterday--a man I abhorred in my drinking days, but I didn't feel that when I saw him this time. Huh...it was me along wasn't it? Fancy that.

  Today I am grateful for The Golden Rule.

May 3, 2006


  My home group is the Spiritual Sisters Women's Group. We meet every Tuesday morning for Book Study and again on Thursdays for open discussion. I love the group, the room, and the magical, mystical energy generated there. I feel a sisterhood with every woman who walks through the door, most often wearing that _expression of defeat, desperation, and hopelessness that I used to see in my own mirror. I look around the room and see women from all races, cultures, religions, sexual orientation, careers, lifestyles, ages, shapes, and sizes and I feel a bond with each of them. The Big Book says we are people who normally would not mix, yet in the rooms of recovery, we find common bonds. We are alcoholics and drug addicts and no matter who we are or where we came from we share that. We have the same feelings and emotions; the same pains and anguish; the same heartaches and sorrows. We celebrate each other's victories and mourn each other's losses. We do it together. We take great comfort in the fact that we are not alone, nor do we ever have to be again.

  Today I am grateful for my Sisters.

May 5, 2006

   I should wait til midnight to post this, but I might not be able to stay awake that long, so bear in mind that the date for this Muse is May 5, 2006. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's a very special day for a special someone.
She's Cute, Adorable, Sweet, Eager, & Young.

  She's also 1 year old today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASEY !!!!!!

  Sugar baby, I'm so glad you're in my life and I'm thrilled you have chosen sobriety at such a young age. You have your whole life ahead of you and what a glorious life it will be if you stay plugged into AA. I was 47 when I surrendered but I looked 67 and felt 97. You don't have to do that.

  Confucius said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. You have taken that step and your journey is just beginning. When I was your age, I didn't have the common sense necessary to see that I was destroying my life and my relationships with the people I loved, with every drink I took. I was on a path of self-destruction. I had no self-worth or esteem and I carried a chip on my shoulder all my life until I stopped drinking, then it magically fell off.

  This wonderful, delicious dish called Life tastes like manna from Heaven as long as it's ingested with sobriety. The fellowship is the meat and potatoes and the Big Book contains all the suggested daily requirements for living physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually happy.

  We're not perfect. You'll find a soap opera's worth of personalities in the rooms of recovery--everything from the Young and the Restless to the Bold and the Beautiful. Some will seem to be from Another World. Others glow because they're walking in the Guiding Light--they are the ones who have realized they have One Life To Live and they have chosen to live that life sober, happy, joyous, and free.

  Keep Coming Back, my sponsee baby.

  Today I am grateful for All My Children.

May 6, 2006


  I went into Long's Drugs today to pick up a balloon bouquet and decided to grab a bottle of water while the clerk was working on my order. The water was at the back of the store and I headed down the last aisle to get one. Guess what aisle it was? Yup---the liquor. I did the cruise through the booze--the whiskeys, vodkas, tequilas and all their cohorts were on my left and right. I was surrounded. However, it didn't feel any different this time than walking down the darn dog food aisle.

  In the past few years, I have avoided situations like that because of my early sobriety memories of feeling extreme anxiety whenever I had to walk by alcohol like that--hundreds and hundreds of bottles. I remember it feeling like I was trying to get past rattlesnakes, cobras, scorpions, brown recluse spiders, and any other varmint you can think of that can inject deadly toxins into your bloodstream. It was terrifying in my first few months of sobriety. I knew by then that all those pretty colors and bottles were POISON, and I didn't want to be in their reach. They should have the skull and crossbones right on the front of the label.

  But today, I felt brave after I got my water and I walked right back down the same aisle to the front of the store. The thrill of victory for Nan, the agony of defeat for King Alcohol. I wanted to say 'neener neener neener' as I walked by the poison potables, but I thought better of it lest I be too tempted to rest on my laurels.

  Today I am grateful for my antivenin program.

May 7, 2006


  Egad! I had another blow-up at my husband last night. Will I ever learn? Now that my conscience has been reactivated through sobriety, I feel so low when I act like a dry drunk. I went outside immediately and asked God to forgive me. What IS it about that spouse of mine that makes me erupt like a volcano? I think he likes it--it gives him the opportunity to say those 3 little words he loves to say-- You haven't changed. The bummer is--he's right--I haven't changed when it comes to him....not enough. I don't like who I am when I'm with him--who I can become in the blink of an eye. I'm just glad God isn't finished with me yet.

  That reminds me of a song sung by kids in Sunday School-- "There really ought to be a sign upon my heart~~Don't judge me yet, there's some unfinished parts~~But I'll be perfect just according to His plan~~Fashioned by the Master's loving hand. He's still working on me --to make me what I outta be--it took Him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars--How loving and patient He must be~~He's still working on me."

  Today I'm grateful I'm a work in progress--there is much left to accomplish.

May 8, 2006


  "I believe that I recovered through the grace of a Higher Power, despite the fact that I was very angry and wanted nothing to do with God when I arrived at Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, I did not need to find God. I only needed an open mind, and the spirit found me." (Big Book, page 397)

  That excerpt is from The Perpetual Quest. If you haven't read it, or if it's been a while since you have--read it again. It's a wonderful story.

  I really identify with the author. Like her, I was angry, and I wanted nothing to do with God for decades. He had broken my heart and betrayed my trust by allowing my younger brother to die. (I've shared that story before--both at meetings, and here in the Muse Papers.) I denounced Him and turned my back on Him in 1973. I cursed Him in my heart, but He didn't let that stop Him from watching over me for the next 28 years while I drank. By all rights, and like so many others, I should be dead now, but that Amazing Grace prevented me from dying.

  The elderly folks I see every Sunday at the assisted living facility have opened my eyes and heart to what a miracle life is and how I trivialized and demeaned it for so long. I have no idea if I'll live that long, but I know it would never have been in the realm of possibility had I continued to drink.

  I am especially grateful today for my second chance at life.

  Say a little prayer for 101 year-old Pearl. She wasn't at church today and we were told she was taken to the hospital. She may be over 100, but she is witty and sharp. I missed her sweet face.

May 9, 2006


  Every year when the weather turns warm I get exasperated with my hair. It is the worst hair in the world, bar none. It won't hold curl, it's thin and limp, and it's so bothersome to me if I'm hot--which I am most of the time between these hot flashes and the weather!

  Talk about repeating the same behavior and expecting different results......I get scissor-crazy when the aggravation and frustration becomes more than I can bear, and I whack whack chop chop until I look like I let my husband cut my hair with the lawnmower. I've done it for YEARS!

  Then I crawl into the salon in hat and sunglasses and beg them to HELP ME PLEASE. I never go to the same place twice lest they think I'm some lunatic who doesn't know when to quit.....which obviously, I am.

  Is there a point to this story? You betcha! It's just like my drinking. I thought I could take care of my drinking problem, but I kept repeating my insane behavior and getting the same results until I slithered through the doors of AA and begged for help. I was as mangled and butchered when I got there as my hair is every year when I think I can solve the problem and cut it myself.

  Today I am grateful for all the men and women who have helped repair my destructive ways--inside and outside my head. Hair's to ya!

May 10, 2006


  I had a very special visitor here this afternoon from 12:30 to 6:00. He is the most handsome guy in the world and his smile could melt an iceberg. He's only 26 inches tall, but he doesn't have any trouble getting dates. Of course, he's pretty young--only 7 months, but the girls are flocking around him already. What a cutie-pie my grandson is!
OK, nuff bragging from Grandma--let's get down to business. I thought I'd have Talk-Back Tuesday today. Tell me the greatest fear you've walked through and conquered since you got sober. False Evidence Appearing Real is what some wise ones told me fear was when I came into recovery and it's the best definition I've ever heard.

  Here's my biggest victory over fear so far:
My brother was killed in 1973 near Lake Isabella. The drive up there is through the Kern Canyon. I got knots in my stomach prior to '73 every time I rode through that canyon and I never drove it--I was too terrified. There are some pretty steep drops as well as that raging river. The drive became even more frightening to me after Darren's death. The mere thought of traveling that road brought on a panic attack. One of the last times I had been on it was the day of his funeral. After that, it was a double whammy for my psyche. Not only was the original fear there, but the memory of that devastating and heartbreaking time in my life exacerbated my terror.

  My sponsor told me when I was about a year sober that I could get through that fear--just walk through it. Slowly but surely, I began to believe her. I finally got the courage to ask my husband to drive me up to the lake one Sunday. I was a tiny bit nervous, but I tried to focus on the beauty of nature as we drove through. The trip back was a bigger challenge---I would be on the side of the river and cliffs as I sat in the passenger seat. The relief that washed over me when we made it out safe and sound was tremendous. He drove me up there 2 more times after that and each trip got easier, but here's the best part--I DROVE up there myself shortly after that--I actually DROVE, with poor Marr in the passenger seat--scared spitless but being brave and not showing it for my benefit. It was her first experience with that drive. I think she left fingernail marks in the door handle. Bless her sweet heart.

  Today I am grateful to Marr for helping me walk through my fear.
How about you? Do you have any conquered fears you want to share about?

May 11, 2006

  Here is a letter of response to yesterday's Muse requesting your share of experience, strength, and hope with regard to your greatest fear in sobriety.

  I suppose that my greatest fear was when I found my husband dead in bed. What was I to do? I had died from a heart attack after I had had a near head-on collision one night when I was about 16 years sober. I was in the hospital at least 12 days and I wanted to be home again. I was very helpless and had to be in a hospital bed. The night of the accident was the last meeting I had attended and wanted to go to the Sunday morning meeting. My husband was willing to take me and I expected to wake to the sound of the coffee brewing. There was no coffee, no sounds and no husband moving. My thoughts were how am I going to get the hallway to the bedroom to wake him. It took me about ten minutes or more to get myself into the wheelchair and move down the hall. By the time I had gotten to the door I know he was gone. I tried to give cpr but it was to no avail. I could tell that he had been dead a long time. I called 911 and then called some friends . I couldn't do anything and yet I had to do everything. The next few days were a blur but that didn't last long. The reality of it all was that the bank account was "frozen" and all the retirement money had to be returned to the sources. How was I to get by ? What was I to do before I could go back to work. I can say that I prayed a lot. My Mother gave me $100. That was a big deal ! It got me through. I forced myself back to work three weeks after the accident. It kept my mind busy and brought in some money. There was so much paper work to do and I thought that I would never get through it all.

  We alcoholics are stronger than we give ourselves credit. I truly had to be responsible for myself. It took me seven years to settle the accident. Between the time of the accident and the settlement I knew I had to change some financial matters. A better job was needed and soon! I was hired as a correctional officer. I worked at that job until I had a better offer. The end of my fear was realizing that God was really in charge of it all. From the seemingly bad comes the seemingly good. How do I look at it all? I am living on borrowed time, maybe it is gifted time. God allowed me to get sober and He allowed me to live through the accident. Being grateful is not a hard attitude to acquire when you look back on life. I don't deserve what I have , it is all a gift because I trusted just a bit.

  Today I am grateful to the author of this Muse. Thank you, Sweet Soul, for sharing your story of courage and walking through fear in sobriety.

May 12, 2006


  I have read and read and read my Big Book, but I'm aware that I may interpret it different from the next person. When I hear a 5th Step, I suggest to my sponsee that she waste no time on completing 6 and 7. Why do I do this? Because that's my interpretation of the Book's instructions. On page 75, last paragraph, it says that after we have completed our 5th Step that we should go home and think about it quietly for an hour and gives us specific questions to ask ourselves and specific tasks to perform--such as taking our Book down and reviewing the 12 Steps, then asking ourselves: "Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand?"

  Then you turn the page and it says: "If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six. It then proceeds to tell us what to do at that point and immediately following that short paragraph, the next one begins with: "When ready, we say something like this......and it gives us the 7th Step prayer. Boom boom boom....all that covered in 3 successive paragraphs.

  It is my belief that the 6th and 7th should be completed as soon after you finish your 5th as you can possibly do them. You are raw and humble--you have all your resentments, faults, fears, and sex conduct right before you in black and white--just as the Book asked you to do. You have spent your hour in quiet meditation and absorbed and processed the experience. What better time to ask God to forgive you of your past so you can move forward, cleansed and free? You can begin your journey in earnest to discover who you were meant to be before alcohol or drugs created that other person, the one you came to loathe and despise. Now you can find out what God wanted you to be--what He still wants you to be.

  Now for my standard disclaimer--this is only my opinion. You don't have to agree with me. As always, I welcome your feedback and input on any topic served up here. If it's something you think you can swallow, by all means put it on your plate. If not, leave it in the smorgasbord line for the next person. I don't want to give anybody indigestion.

  Today I am grateful I didn't drink the wrong person to death.

May 13, 2006

  "Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie, it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us serenity." (12 and 12, page 74)
I didn't have an ounce of humility when I was practicing my disease of alcoholism--not a smidgen. How can you be humble and self-centered and selfish at the same time?

   Consequently, I had no hope for serenity as long as humility was absent from my heart.

  Do I still indulge in that self-righteous anger the 12 and 12 talks about? Yes--I'd be lying if I said I didn't. In the same paragraph that mentions self-righteous anger on page 67 it says that "in a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority."

  That feeling of annoyance with someone is my clue that it's time for me to humble down. For instance, when I hear that a member of my family is gambling again, even though they have admitted in the past it's an addiction, I get annoyed. Then I realize I'm feeling self-righteous anger. My first instinct is to feel superior because after all, if I can stop drinking, why can't they stop their addictions?

  Thank goodness for these paragraphs and excerpts from our books that help me to recognize those feelings. I realize that what they do ain't none of my beeswax. What I do is pray for them, but I also ask God to help me to be tolerant and non-judgmental.

  Today I am grateful for humble pie, even when I have to choke it down.

May 14, 2006


  Happy Mother's Day to all the Muse reading Mothers out there!
I will be dining with my children, grandchild, and hubby tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I was recalling some past Mother's Days today and most of them were pretty sad. I always found a way to rain on everybody's parade by criticizing my gift, drinking too much, or just generally being a pain in the behind. Then there was the one when I didn't even get a call from my daughter because she wasn't speaking to me--and that was after I got sober.

  I am finally learning to be the mother I always wanted to be--loving, nurturing, kind, and understanding. Material gifts have lost their importance--the gift of love and respect I receive from my children today is worth more than all the silver and gold on the planet. A hug is priceless--every kiss is a treasure. To see them smile warms my heart. Smiles and laughter were a rare commodity for a long time in my relationships and in my home.
 

  Today I am grateful for happy holidays.

May 15, 2006


  What a sweet, wonderful day it has been. My son-in-law was the first to call with Mother's Day greetings this morning--he is the best son-in-law in the universe.

  I was truly blessed at the Hallmark service--so much love there it spills out of my heart. Then I met my kids, husband, sponsor, and my Pops--oh golly! and my adorable grandson (can't leave that little sugar booger out) for an early dinner and celebration of we three mothers at the table. My daughter gave me the most precious gift. It is a shirt that has these words on the front: Inner peace, A quiet heart, a calm soul.

  I was profoundly touched that she would think I possess those qualities. Yet another miracle of sobriety. I am blessed to have a second chance with her for she was hurt more by my disease than any other person. I feared the damage I did to her was irreparable when I came into recovery. There has been much healing between she and I and I feel in my heart of hearts that the worst is behind us.

  Today I am grateful for my children.

May 16, 2006


  I spent the entire day in Superior Court, sitting and waiting, waiting and sitting--wondering what my fate was to be. No--I wasn't arrested again, I was complying with a jury summons. I left my home at 730 this morning and got home after 5:00.

  It was a lesson in patience, to be sure. My name was called in the first batch, so I had my butt in a seat inside the courtroom by 9 o'clock. More names were called for potential jurors to sit in the jury box and answer a gazillion questions. At times, it seemed so inane I wanted to jump up and shout "Get on with it--why must you know what our spouses and children do?" The voices droned on and on through the three hour morning session as unwanted and excused bodies left the jury box and more names were called to fill their vacated seats.

  I was just about to doze off in the afternoon session when I heard the word 'alcohol' and my head popped up. "Did somebody say alcohol?" Now I was paying attention. The defense attorney was grilling a flustered jury candidate. "How do you feel about drinking? Do you condone it? Have you ever been drunk? Have you ever done something when you were drunk you wouldn't have done when you were sober?" "Objection, Your Honor," said the prosecutor.

  Ah, I see where this is going--this guy committed his crime while intoxicated and now his lawyer is looking for kindred spirits for his client. Then, the Tower of Babel arose in my head. What will I say if I'm called--do I have to be rigorously honest? Should I fess up that I was arrested twice? Do they need to know about the DUI and the assault and battery? Yakkity yakkity yak went the voices--not the ones in court, the ones in my brain. I began to squirm as they called out a new batch of names, silently praying I would NOT hear mine.

  Then I came to my senses and switched gears, praying only for the courage to accept whatever His will for me was to be. The voices were hushed and I was OK.

  5 o'clock came and they had selected a jury and two alternates. I was free at last. I now have a one-year reprieve before they can summon me back.

  Today I am grateful I wasn't in the courtroom for the same reasons I was the other two times--on the wrong side of the law. What a huge blessing.

May 17, 2006


  Tired tired tired! I have been so fatigued lately. I almost fell asleep on the couch for the second time today, but I made myself get up and come in here to Muse. My daughter suggested some Vitamin B complex, so I started on them today. Keep your fingers crossed. Pray me through, y'all.

  I picked up a new music tape the other day because I liked the title--Somebody's Praying Me Through. Here's a sample of it for you: Pressing over me like a big blue sky; I know someone has me on their heart tonight; That's how I know it will be all right; 'Cause, somebody's praying me through-Somebody's praying me through; It may be my mother--might be my dad; It might be an old friend I forgot I had; But whoever it is, Lord I'm so glad that-- Somebody's praying me through; Somebody's praying me through; Through the tears, through the rain; Through the sorrow, through the pain; It keeps bringing me through; Over and over again. Somebody's praying me through.

  Heaven's to Betsy--that was more than a sample, it was almost the whole song. There's only one more verse after that. Isn't it beautiful though? You have to hear it to feel the power, but the lyrics are awesome by themselves.

  The warm and wonderful Debbie shared at the women's meeting last week about a show she had seen. It was about elephants, and how when a female in the herd is ill or weak, the other females all gather around her and hold her up because if she lies down she will probably die. That's what we all do for each other--we hold each other up and pray each other through.

  Today I am grateful for all my elephants.

 

May 18, 2006


"Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us." (12 and 12, page 40)

  As a practicing alcoholic, I definitely misused my willpower. Of course, God wasn't in my life then--duh. I was the chief cook and bottle washer, the vain and stubborn misguided queen of chaos and turmoil. I was everything and I was nothing. There was no God to align anything with--I was it. Sheesh--no wonder I was failing at everything--I was in charge!

  What a relief to have God in the Pilot's seat of my life. I'm much better off being the passenger. I don't even need to read the map for Him--He knows where He's going and He never needs to stop and ask for directions. I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car one time that said: Get in, sit down, hold on, and shut up.
If I can remember to do that, I think I'll be OK.

  Today I am grateful He took the wheel.

May 19, 2006


  It is days like today when I feel a humble and profound gratitude for my sobriety. We drove up to my daughter's house--my husband and I, and spent the entire day with her and Miles Lighthorse. That baby makes my heart literally ache with love and happiness. His smile is the sweetest, most precious sight I have ever seen. His laughter is a melodious delight. His keen interest in his surroundings is a joy to behold. The nylon tags on his stuffed animals can keep him engrossed for a full 15 minutes. My husband's half-bald head can do the same. Patty cake gets him squealing with excitement and his whole body participates in glee.

  I would have missed those simple, yet priceless treasures had I not made the choice to stop drinking. In surrendering my life, I gained one a million times better. I have the honor and privilege today of being a mother and grandma. Any labor I perform is one of love. I was that selfish, self-centered drinker. I didn't appreciate life's gifts and miracles and I took so much for granted.

  As a bonus today, we were treated to a thunderstorm, complete with lightning and marble-sized hail. Wow! It was awesome.

  Today I am grateful for chubby baby boys.

May 20, 2006


  I love it when I hear a share at a meeting that makes me think, "THAT'S what I came for today!"

  Her name was Kim and she carried the message in plain, no-nonsense language. Her voice carried through the whole room (I like that) and she was like E.F. Hutton--she talked and people listened.

  Just before Kim shared, there was kind of a downer share--you know the kind. I'm not being judgmental, truly I'm not--Am I? Well, anyway, the tone of that share was doom and gloom and poor me. Now, I haven't been around that long, but it seems to me that the 'poor me' person, the one who sits in perpetual victim mentality, is the one who eventually drinks again. Many chronic complainers are also chronic newcomers, possessing so many surrender chips they look like they just hit a jackpot in Vegas.

  Pity pots and victim mentalities are not assets people--they are liabilities--dangerous, sometimes fatal liabilities. I was so resentful one time in my early days when I heard a 'poor me' share followed by an old-timer who said, "Would you like some cheese with that whine?" But here's the reality--he's still there and the 'poor me' isn't. The last time I saw her she reeked of alcohol and I pray she gets 2 feet back in the doors of AA before she's 6 feet under.

  This is a heartbreaking disease. It's life and death for us. Sobriety equals life and alcohol equals death--what more do we need to know? Well, actually there is more. The Big Book tells us that sobriety isn't enough and it spells out what we must do to be happy, joyous, and free--as well as sober. I'm not taking any chances--I'm doing what the Book says....or at least I'm gonna try til I die--one day at a time.

  Today I am grateful I no longer see myself as a victim.

May 21, 2006


  Sometimes I feel like that little boy in The Sixth Sense, but instead of seeing dead people, I see alcoholics. Does anybody else do that? Here's an example: Remember when I wrote about our family portraits back in December? Well, our photographer--I'll call him Joe--struck me right off the bat as an alcoholic, beginning with my first two phone calls to him. I had left a message on his machine and it took three days for him to call back. The second time I called him, he didn't return my call and when I called him again, he claimed he never got the message. Up went a red flag. Then we arrived at his studio and I saw him sitting at the front desk, thinking immediately to myself he looked hungover. The studio was in disarray inside and out. We tripped over stuff inside and had to maneuver around dog poop outside. He had once owned a beautiful, successful studio in a great location, and was now on the seedier side of town, downsized and downtrodden. He had no employees and seemed aloof and empty. His eyes had no life in them.

  I went alone a week later (after more suspicious phone shenanigans) to look at the proofs--again, the disheveled, hangover look met my eye as I went through the front door. His embarrassment and shame permeated the room. I recognized it because it used to ooze out my own pores. He behaved oddly through that procedure, often gazing off into space as though his train of thought had just derailed.

  A month later, I saw him at a local concert--what a difference! He approached me with gusto and threw his arms around me in greeting. He was drunk. I saw him again the next night, drunk again. Since then, my initial suspicions about him have been confirmed--lost the wife, home, business, etc. Another sad tale that he may someday tell in the rooms of recovery--if he's fortunate enough.

  I'm not sure you can call an existence like that living.....maybe I do see dead people.

  Today I am grateful I don't have to lead a double life anymore.



May 22, 2006


  I was reading Bill's Story earlier today and saw that line: Faith without works is dead, and I looked in the margin where I had written at some point, works without faith is dead also.

  I was an empty shell when I was drinking. I have written before about how I tried to be the good-deed-doer before I became a daily, full-time, double-time, over-time drinker. It was my feeble and selfish attempt at balancing the moral books. I did the work all right--hospice care, taxi-cab service, resident Ann Landers, banker, babysitter-- whatever service was needed, all you had to do was call upon good ol' Nan and she'd be there, but not with a glad heart and certainly without faith, for I had no faith in anything but alcohol.

  When my disease progressed to the isolation stage and all I did was drink at home alone my entire waking hours, I wasn't quite so benevolent anymore. The phone calls were all screened and I had no interest in taking anybody anywhere, emptying anybody's bedpan, or listening to anyone's problems. I withdrew from everything just like the Big Book says we will.

  In Bill's Story it says that if we don't work with other alcoholics, we will drink again and then we will die. I believe that work must be fueled by faith and performed with a glad heart. If I do the work begrudgingly, I'm defeating my purpose.

  Today I am grateful for Faith.

May 23, 2006


  Just got home from a great meeting, which usually inspires some Muse material. This one was no different. Our leader spoke of finding that "inner peace" that we all yearn for in our drinking days, and I had some poignant feelings wash over me while he was sharing. My heart was restless and tumultuous throughout my drinking career. It was void of serenity. I tried to fill the space with alcohol, but that only created more emptiness. I felt out of place everywhere I went. I felt inadequate to everyone. The more I drank, the more I shrank. Whatever God had intended me to be when I was born was disappearing with every drink. Like a big, mylar balloon that someone let go of, I was floating into nothingness--higher and higher into the sky, getting smaller and smaller as the sky swallowed me up. My loved ones stood on the ground and watched in anguish. I was going away from them, from myself, from God, and from life.

  God has pulled me back to earth. He has breathed new life into me. The empty space in me has been filled and I am anchored in sobriety.

  Today I am grateful I have my feet firmly planted in recovery.

May 24, 2006


  Many of you have heard me talk about, or Muse on my native plants. I started incorporating them into my front and back flower beds a little over 3 years ago. When I sobered up, my back yard, which is 100 feet long and 36 feet wide, and bordered on three sides by 3 foot flower beds, was a disgrace. Two more large beds in the back, and two in the front were a sad, pitiful sight.

  The lawn in the back was nothing more than dirt, weeds, and stickers, for my husband had grown weary of his drunken wife and found other hobbies away from the house to occupy his time. He kept the front lawn mowed, but that was it and I don't blame him. I would have wanted to escape from a crazy drunk too if I had been him. At a little over a year sober, I laid sod in the back--instant lawn!-- and began bringing my flowerbeds, and myself, back to life with California Native Plants.

  The native plants are mostly sage varieties, but I have lilacs, lupines, poppies, fuschias, butterfly bushes, yerba santas, monkey flowers and more. They are beautiful, colorful, fragrant, and as an added bonus, they attract butterflies and hummingbirds in large numbers. I plant 20 or more a year and am now up to about 70 natives. In the front flower bed, I planted 12 in October of 2004 and they did exceptionally well, growing 2 feet in the first six months. October 2005 came and I went to the annual sale and bought about 25 more natives. Most of them went in the back, but I decided to fill in the empty spots around my thriving sages in the front bed with 6 compact white sages. They did great for a month or two until the others had a second growth spurt and shot up and out another two feet. Now the compact whites are withered and puny. They have been blocked off from the sunlight and now they are dying.

  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where I'm going with this. We are those white sages. In the Sunlight of the Spirit we thrive and grow. We flourish, we live. But when we are blocked from it, we shrivel and die.

  Today I am grateful I am living in the Light.

May 25, 2006


"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32, NIV).

According to William A. Ward, "Thoughtfulness comes in many forms, and is virtually always welcomed by its recipients. Thoughtfulness is a habit”a way of life well worth cultivating and practicing.

The thoughtful person is quick to pay a well-deserved compliment, or to send a prompt note of congratulations to someone who has received a promotion, an honor, or special recognition.

Thoughtful people don't wait for opportunities”they imaginatively create numerous opportunities to make life brighter, smoother, and more enjoyable for those about them.

Our thoughtful attitudes and generous deeds can make many people happy”including ourselves."

  I have included excerpts from my daily online devotional before in the Muses and usually opt to leave the scripture out. However, I decided to leave this one in--I hope no is offended by Bible reference, but it happens to be the Great Book from which many of AA's philosophies were conceived, and a Book I respect and adore.

  Thoughtfulness; what a concept for an alcoholic like me. ThoughtLESS is what I was when I drank. I had no yearning to pay anyone a compliment, not did I strive to make anybody's life smoother and more enjoyable. Quite the contrary was my style. I had a knack for criticizing and judging...you couldn't have forced a compliment out of me with a sledgehammer--not a sincere one anyway. And nobody's life was smooth and enjoyable if I was in it; it was rough and miserable. I am trying now to cultivate and practice thoughtfulness, and to be honest and sincere. I was a fraud when I drank--I don't want to be one now.

  Today I am grateful for inspirational scriptures.

May 26, 2006


  Before I begin--kwik thank you to Susie Q for your response to yesterday's Muse. I appreciate your comments M'Lady.

  I was sharing at a meeting this morning about how I hadn't lost my temper at my husband in over a month. Since I was too busy patting myself on the back at the time, I failed to see the significance of that statement--the growth spurt that came with it. I didn't say "My husband hasn't made me angry," but that I had not lost my temper. Gee Willikers--you reckon I'm finally seeing those three fingers that point back at me every time I point one at him? 'Twas a revolutionary moment, my friends.

  Serenity takes no energy and anger drains me. Have I finally learned that it's just easier and not so exhausting to remain calm and collected under fire? I don't have to deal with an emotional hangover if I don't rant and rave. I don't feel like my potty mouth should be scrubbed with lye because the profanities spewed forth at him like molten lava. I don't have to promptly apologize (groan) to him.

  Good Orderly Direction was our topic today and I realized that a certain someone has been giving me direction regarding this matter of my temper with The Big Kahuna (that would be Mr. Nan) for a looooooong time. It was only my defiance and "self-will run riot" that allowed her advice to waft through one ear and straight out the other. I haven't been very teachable in this matter. I will try to do better.

  Today I am grateful for Good Orderly Direction.

May 27, 2006


  My kids just left with that beautiful, bouncing, baby boy. My heart sings with unbridled joy in his presence. They were here most of the day and it was still sad to see him go. He was crashed in his car seat as we came in from dinner just now--a little sleeping angel.

  It was a glorious day to be sober! The weather couldn't have been nicer. It was cool this morning and pleasant all day, thanks to that lovely breeze that whispered through the trees and stirred up the scents of the sages.

  I love lazy days like this, when all is well in my world and alcohol seems like a distant memory--a faded and tattered remnant of the past. I almost feel I didn't even live that life, that it was someone else pretending to be me. I think that's healing. I'll never be cured of this disease, I know that--but I have healed a little more each day and I feel it--sometimes quietly and subtly like today, when I feel like I'm lighter than air and God is smiling down at His earthly miracle. What a vast difference from the hellion I used to be!

  Today I am grateful for soft breezes and cotton candy clouds.

May 28, 2006


  I was listening to Cliff R. from Oceanside earlier today on a speaker tape loaned to me by one of my Home Girls--thank you Marr. I had run to the store and decided to pop the tape in for the short trip and back, but I ended up sitting in my garage listening to it after I pulled in and shut the car off. I was mesmerized for the next 30 minutes as he spoke. I wondered how someone from such a different world, age group, and gender could describe the feelings I had in my own heart and the thoughts I had in my own head for so many years while I was drinking.

  I had goosebumps when he talked about that "8 minutes" of peace, of being enough; that 8 minutes that came about 40 minutes into his drinking; that 8 minutes for which he drank. The memory of my own 8 minutes flooded back, washing over me like an ocean wave. Mine came with my first drink of the morning. That almost straight whiskey, room temperature, with a splash of ginger ale for good measure, just so I wouldn't feel so desperately alcoholic. It took about 8 ounces for me to get my 8 minutes. After that, the feeling faded and disappeared, being replaced by self-disappointment, self-deprecation, and self-loathing, followed by anger and resentment for everything and everyone. It wasn't until I was sober a while that I realized I wasn't angry or resentful at anybody, not really. My anger at myself was just projected at whoever was in firing range.

  He also spoke of his "moment of clarity" or "moment of grace" (a phrase he read in the Grapevine) and I again felt a kindred connection to this stranger. He spoke of how important laughter is in the rooms of recovery and I said "Amen!" I felt like I was listening to an old, dear friend. It was profound and powerful.

 Today I am grateful for similarities.

 Today I am especially grateful to Cliff R., who paid me a 12th Step visit today via my CD player. I've never met you my friend, but I know you and I humbly thank you.

May 29, 2006


  I heard an _expression today that gave me pause to ponder. It was Get a life. Remember that one? When did that one come to be--in the 70's? I think it was about the same time as Get Real. I've used those expressions hundreds of times in conversation, but now they have a whole new meaning for me.

  I got real when I got honest and admitted out loud that I am an alcoholic. That led me to the next leg of my journey, which was to get a life. I found that life in recovery, in the rooms of AA. Then there's the _expression that is used when you want someone to cooperate--get with the program! That is exactly what I did, I got with the program so I could keep my new, real life.

  Short and sweet today, and to the point. That's what bobbled around between my ears all day until I sat my hiney down here to Muse.

  Today I'm grateful I got real, got a life, and got with the program.

May 30, 2006


  I finally got another inspirational FEAR story.....remember a few weeks back when I asked for some sharing on the biggest fear you've walked through in sobriety? Thank you Stephanie! This is a classic example of experience, strength, and hope--not to mention trust and faith.

Conquered fear.... Well, when I was around 5 years sober my dad died in Texas. His girlfriend, and ex-wife's grown kids sued me. It was a 6 year probate nightmare. I was afraid I wouldn't stay sober through it. So, I didn't move to Texas to fight the quasi-relatives. I stayed in California, trusted God, gave the legal matters to lawyers, and threw myself into becoming a teacher. I had to go back to Texas for mediation and I was afraid to fly so I drove and took a newcomer with me. She was crazy!!! But she kept me honest, sincere and kind through the mediation. I needed to be an example to her and because of that I found the strength to look deep within for the answers and share with the quasi-relatives rather than fight. Everyone was provided for, I got to stay sober, and God blessed me with a real loving family in my husband and children.

  Congratulations to you, My Friend, on your recent graduation and Master's Degree. I heard someone say in a meeting once that if God brings you to it, He'll get you through it.

  Here's another gem that came in a forward this morning: The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have. Amen.

Today I am grateful for success stories. They fortify my own hope.



May 31, 2006


  Merciful Heavens! What a wonderful day it's been up to this point, and it's not over yet. I will be attending a kindergarten graduation in about 90 minutes and I'm looking forward to it with delightful anticipation.

  The morning meeting was awesome and the meeting after the meeting produced even more warm fuzzies. I was having coffee with one of the Wise Ones and one of the waitresses, who is in the program shared an amazing quote with us. I'll have to paraphrase it, since I didn't write it down at the time, and the credit goes to Joel Somebody--I made a mental note of his name but a brain gremlin erased it. It went something like this: Why would you want to look at your life through the rear-view mirror when you have the whole windshield to look through?

  Wow! I can't tell you how much that affected me--I thought about it all the way home. I'd look in my rear-view mirror, then I'd look through the windshield. The windshield is our present--what's in front of us right now. The rear-view mirror, of course, is our past.....what's behind us. And being the alcoholic I am, I had to throw the side mirrors into the equation, thinking to myself--Remember now Nan, that stuff back there is larger than it appears. Then I slapped myself and said 'snap out of it'--why must you IMPROVE everything...that quote wasn't broken so you didn't need to fix it.

  You just had a peek at the workings of my brain--scary wasn't it? Can you imagine what I must have been like drunk? I thought I was Nobel Prize material.

  Today I am grateful for my windshield.