April

Apr 2, 2005

" Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years." (Big Book, page 33)

  I'm pretty sure I've used that excerpt before in the Muses, but it certainly bears repeating. Shortly after I came to AA, I began to realize that the women suffered more deeply from the guilt and shame than did the men. Mind you, these are just my own personal observations. Women have long been viewed by society as the weaker, softer sex. Attitudes have definitely changed in the last several decades, but many of the old stereotypical opinions linger.

   When men misbehave, it is generally accepted, and maybe even expected by society. When women wreak havoc, they are judged more harshly----even  by themselves and other women.. Consequently, we carry a heavier burden of guilt and shame. We're not supposed to act that way. We are supposed to be the healers and nurturers, not the drunks and screw-ups. We're expected to kiss the owies, not create them. We weren't filling our societal 'role' if we were drinking, drugging, and raising hell.

  When I slithered into AA, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was filled with shame, guilt, and self-loathing. I saw myself as an unwanted pariah of society. Today, I can actually smile when I see my reflection in the mirror---with OR without my hair combed and make-up on. I have found something redeemable and beautiful on the inside.
Today I am grateful I can walk with my head held high.

Apr 3, 2005

  We lost an hour last night--it just disappeared. It makes me think of the many thousands of hours that vanished while I was drinking. I'm not just talking about the blackouts, when I couldn't remember anything, but all those years I sat, glass in hand, entombed in my house. The book tells me I must not regret the past, but sometimes I just can't help myself. Reality and regret hold hands in my thoughts.       Maybe that will change when I get some more time in; I hope so. I don't dwell or obsess over my past, but some of the cuts still ooze blood, not just from me, for my emotional and spiritual wounds are mostly scar tissue now, but others I hurt still bleed.

   I can't heal them, but I can retire my weapons so that I don't hurt them again. I have a quote on my fridge that reads: To deny or erase our past, is to rob ourselves of hard-earned wisdom."
Today I am grateful for the wisdom, even when I can't honestly say I'm grateful for the past.

Apr 4, 2005

  "We are not in recovery to change the world, we are in recovery to learn how to function within the world." (Keep Coming Back)

  We could tweak that a bit to read, " We are not in recovery to change the world, we are in recovery to change ourselves."  Both are the gospel truth. I remember thinking as I left my first AA meeting that it seemed a bit like a cult. I wondered if AA wasn't some kind of a brainwashing program. However, I was so desperate by then, I didn't care if they washed my brain or not. In fact, I knew it could use a thorough scrubbing----with steel wool and sandpaper.

   The bottom line was, I knew I had to change or I would die so I was WILLING to stay. Today my brain IS cleaner. The clutter and dirt have been swept away; no easy task since I had over 3 decades worth of grime in there. Now I have Someone who comes in daily and helps me keep it that way. No charge.

Today I am grateful  for my Housekeeper.

Apr 5, 2005

"Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for our actions." (daily online devotional)

  I didn't have any of those when I was drinking and had NO chance of getting them. I was R-less. I was also thoughtless, ruthless, and senseless---I was LESS everything. I felt extremely small in this big, bad world...at least on the inside.

   On the outside, I was a belligerent, obnoxious, hateful hag. I hid behind that pretense of knowing it all. I double-dared you to cross me, disagree with me, contradict me, Heaven Forbid CORRECT me, or try and knock that chip off my shoulder. I couldn't let anyone see how terrified I was in my gut and heart. I didn't even know myself until I came to AA and learned that FEAR was one of my biggest obstacles.

   The Big Book says that fear was "an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it."  WOW!  What a powerful and profound statement. False Evidence Appearing Real is my favorite definition of fear. I didn't make that up, but I understand it completely. I also know that you can buy fear....Yup; it is produced and manufactured all over the world every day. You can find it in any liquor, grocery, or drugstore. It promises to give you courage, but THAT is false advertising. It makes you afraid--afraid to face the world without it, and afraid to face the world with it. It's a lose-lose situation.

Today I am grateful I'm learning how to acquire the three R's.

Apr 6, 2005

  Do you remember the first time you ever saw your face in one of those super-duper magnifying mirrors? Holey moley! The first time I saw mine, I was in total shock!
I'm telling you, it's frightening. My face looked like the surface of Mars or something--I didn't even recognize it---and I was ONLY 35. The first time I took a good look at myself after I got to AA was equally distressing and scary. That would have been right about the time I started my 4th Step....the one I balked at the most.

   I didn't WANT to see who and what I was and I didn't recognize the woman I had become. Seeing myself magnified was shocking and terrifying. Putting it all down on paper was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. It was necessary for my survival though, so I did. The rewards have far outweighed the terror and anguish. I don't own one of those mirrors. I still don't want to see my face up THAT close, but I'm not frightened by what's on the inside anymore.

Today I am grateful for Step 4.

Apr 7, 2005

"Don't start out as an evangelist or reformer." (Big Book, page 89)
  This sentence of course, is talking about carrying the message. The chapter is Working With Others, meaning alcoholics, but I made the mistake of trying to reform my family when I came to AA. My daughter once told me to "stop spewing that AA rhetoric at me."

  I was a pain in the butt. I quoted Big Book daily and took everyone's inventory but my own. After all, I had stopped drinking....now it was their turn to straighten up and fly right. By the time I started working on Step 4, I wasn't quite so vocal about what was wrong with THEM. My moral inventory made their defects look like baby poo. I had big piles of dinosaur doo to write about. Yikes!

  I also found when I started sponsoring, that preaching and reforming was the wrong approach. I try to ease my sponsees in and SHOW them the program rather than overwhelm them with info from the book. I ask them to find a sentence in the Book every day for 30 days that they relate to and write a brief explanation as to why they identify with it. More often than not, and if they are REALLY ready, they will read more than they're supposed to and they love it! It is so cool when they call and say "I LOVE THIS BOOK!"
Today I am grateful I can be an example and not a preacher.

Apr 8, 2005

"The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding, companionship and approval. Momentarily we did--then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen--Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair." (Big Book, page 151)

  There's not much more I can add to that....Boy---that says it all doesn't it? Yes, I was a miserable inhabitant of King Alcohol's insane kingdom. I did become more and more lonely as I drank the years away. I wanted nothing to do with society and I had no life. My world got darker and darker as I fell deeper into that black pit. I was enslaved and I thought my shackles would never be broken. Alcohol was my Master, my Dictator, and my Assassin. The Four Horsemen dogged my every step......I couldn't escape them.

Thank you God for setting me free.

Apr 9, 2005

  Yesterday I went to the doctor with my daughter and heard my grandbaby's heartbeat. The experience was one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.. Had I not walked into the rooms of AA, that would never have been possible. I have earned her trust and respect and she feels safe in the knowledge that I won't hurt her. My disease damaged her......I damaged her and she was fearful of me. She severed her ties with me at one point because she couldn't handle any more pain and anguish. I broke her heart again and again.

  Today, she has forgiven me and we have healed our broken hearts together. We have an authentic relationship. It's real and it's the most glorious feeling in the world. I felt honored and privileged to be in that examining room with her.

Today I am grateful for Miracles.

Apr 10, 2005

  911 was the beginning of the end of the beginning for me. Sounds confusing I know, but I'll explain.  I was hopelessly and desperately consumed by alcoholism in September, 2001.  3 decades of drinking had progressed to utter and complete enslavement. By that time, I scheduled my life around the bottle. I knew I had to drink, the freedom of choice had been gone for years.

   When 911 occurred, I sat glued to the TV, engrossed in the chaos, horror, destruction, and gloom. It all seemed so surreal, yet in a sick way, it felt appropriate that the world should be experiencing anguish and suffering.....kind of like "misery loves company."

   On the 18th, my husband got on a plane and flew off for his annual trip to Oklahoma. The morning he left, I drove to Longs as soon as they opened, and bought enough booze so that I would hopefully die of alcohol poisoning while he was gone
( I'll show HIM, the dirty rotten scoundrel! He'll be sorry when he comes home and finds me dead! ). For 5 days, around the clock, I drank and puked...and drank and puked....and drank and puked. When I came to on the 23rd, I was initially disappointed, as I had been the four previous mornings, that I was still alive. I was lying on my living room floor and with utter defeat and humility I said weakly "God I just can't do this anymore."

   Then I was filled with an indescribable peace. I had finally surrendered and He knew it.   Only a fellow alcoholic will understand me when I say I am grateful for 911.


Apr 11, 2005

  "It may not be the most desirable for everyone but we can live without romantic relationships, but none of us can live healthily without at least one or two healthy, close, loving relationships. Without such we limp along in the shadows of life eking out a lonely existence ... and die a little every day." (daily online devotional)

  I have seen countless women fall to pieces and drink again when their romantic relationships crumbled. My friend Anne Kelly explains this better than anyone I know. She says these women are seeking love of self, through the love of another. I agree. Self-love and self-worth MUST come first. Without those, your chances of having a successful romance or marriage are slim to none.

   Add a fresh, new female alcoholic and a half-measures, half-cocked 13th-stepping male to the mixture and you have a recipe for disaster. I love my husband, but if he walked out the door tomorrow, I would not fall apart because I care too much about myself now. In AA, and through working the Steps, I have gained self-respect, self-love and self-worth -- not rediscovered or re-established, because I never had them, but I have acquired them.

  I have developed "healthy, close, loving relationships" with women in the program. We have everything that constitutes a fulfilling bond; understanding, laughter, love, kindness, sharing, caring, conversation, helpfulness, and much more. Heck, I don't even have all THAT with my husband.

Today I am grateful for my Home Girls.

Apr 12, 2005

" THE NEIGHBORS WINDOWS WILL LOOK A LOT CLEANER IF WE WASH OUR OWN WINDOWS FIRST." (KEEP COMING BACK)

   I guess that little gem falls under the category of taking someone else's inventory. Something I NEVER do (har har). But seriously, it's human nature to give unsolicited tips and advice to someone who isn't doing it "right."  I've done it, we've all done it. We convince ourselves we're only discussing that person because we want to be helpful; we care. I do it with my husband, my sister, my kids, and the human population in general. All the while, my own windows are spotted and streaked. In my drinking days, I used "constructive criticism" of others to help me feel better about myself.  AA has taught me that I don't need to tear someone else down to build myself up.  

I am grateful today that I can recognize that defect of my character, and take whole measures to stop it. And I pray that today Lord, you help me wash my own windows.

Apr 13, 2005

   Ladies, you've all heard that we should HALT and not get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, but have you heard how to avoid getting the CRABS? I know you haven't because I just made it up (har har). The CRABS are dangerous and may hinder or threaten your sobriety AND you can't go to the doctor to get rid of them. They can also get you in a lot of trouble.

   They are Complacency, Restlessness, Apathy, Boredom, and Self-Absorption. Don't get too Complacent or "rest on your laurels." Stay on your guard and don't ever let that little voice tell you you're cured.

   If you're fidgety and nervous, do something with that Restlessness. Call someone in the program, read the Big Book or 12 and 12. Take deep breaths and meditate. Drink some chamomile tea. Knit. Read War and Peace. Dance. Channel that nervous energy somewhere.

  If you're feeling indifferent, unemotional, and un-interested in everything....you're indulging in Apathy. Don't deny or bury those emotions--turn them loose--in a healthy manner. You can journal them, beat your pillow, slap your husband, (just kidding) cry, sing, talk about them with someone. Just don't go into a state of limbo.

  Are you Bored? Take a walk, read, bake cookies, go to a meeting, work in the garden, call a friend, wash your car, clean your house, volunteer somewhere, get a job, or a gazillion other things. Don't want to do any of that? Then you're bored because you're boring. I know....I've been there and done that. I was lazy and I wanted life brought to me. I didn't want to have to go out and get it.

  Self-absorption--ah yes. The 'I-me-my' syndrome It's a pain in the butt. Are you always thinking of yourself? When someone calls you with a problem, do you respond with your own BIGGER problem? If I have a headache, will you have a brain tumor? If I am a thousand dollars in debt, will you be five thousand? Do you wait impatiently for someone to stop speaking, not even hearing what they are saying but rather mentally rehearsing your response?

   My daughter gave me a good suggestion when she lovingly pointed out that defect of character in me several years ago. She said when someone calls with a problem, to listen patiently, hear what they are saying, and when they finish speaking, simply say " What can I do to help you?" or "I'm sorry you're going through that." I still slip into self-absorption every once in a blue moon----or is it a full moon? Maybe it's every time we have a moon....I can't remember.  ; - )

So, there you have it! A cure for the CRABS.
Today I am grateful for yesterday's "daily reprieve."

Apr 14, 2005

   Christina has given me permission to use a recent share of hers in the Muses. She is one of those young women who came in over a year ago--the kind I LOVE to see because I feel a special joy when a beautiful young woman makes the decision to stop drinking and spare herself a lifetime of drinking, guilt, and shame.

   She was sharing one day about a friend who noticed something in her bedroom and asked her "Is that a machete?" It was of course, and Christina somewhat haltingly told the story of how she kept "weaponry" all over her apartment when she was drinking, maybe thinking that we might find that a bit odd. The machete somehow got overlooked when she put the rest of her arsenal away.

   What was so great was that no one in the room batted an eyelash. I mean, it made sense to us! There were nods and understanding laughter all around the table. I just think that's pretty darn cool. It completely illustrates the very foundation of this program. Only an alcoholic can understand and help another alcoholic. If she had told that story to a room full of normies, they would have looked at her like she was demented.

   I am so grateful to have a place where I feel safe enough to share my feelings, my bizarre experiences, my tears, my joy and my pain. The Spiritual Sisters group is that place for me. It is my sanctuary, my port in the storms of life. There I will always find a mutual sharing of hearts, a connection and camaraderie that can't be found anywhere else. It is Home Sweet Home.

April 15, 2005

So whatever you do be sure to plant the seeds of whatever it is you want to reap. (online daily devotional)

  We've all heard the expression "you reap what you sow."  Reap means to gather in, and sow means to plant. If you plant wheat, you harvest, or gather in wheat. In life, if we plant seeds of anger and hate, then that is exactly what we will gather. If we're planting rotten seeds, then we're going to harvest some rotten crops. If we scatter seeds of misery, then misery is what we will get in return.

   It's a simple as following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If we plant seeds of kindness, love, and tolerance, then we shall have bushels and bushels of the same in our spiritual silos. Would you like a cornucopia of happiness, smiles, and laughter in your life? Then spread those qualities around to others. It's a no-brainer.

  If the people you surround yourself with seem agitated, annoying, mean, and obnoxious, then chances are you've played a part by sowing seeds of the same. Let it serve as a warning sign that you may need to disk those old crops under and plant something else. Just remember, don't plant crabgrass if you want sunflowers.

Today I am grateful for Green Thumbs and Red Flags.

Apr 16, 2005

".... we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help." (Big Book, page 25)

  When I passed the point of no return in my drinking, meaning I knew I couldn't stop, I didn't think I had any alternatives. I resigned myself to the fact that I would die a hopeless, worthless, miserable drunk. There appeared to be no way out; no answers or solutions. I was aware of AA because I had seen it in movies, but that was the extent of my knowledge. I would never have come up with the idea on my own. God put those letters in my head, I have no doubt of that. After my surrender, I called Kaiser Permanente and spilled my guts to the advice nurse. I said those words out loud for the first time; "I am an alcoholic."

  She listened to my sobbing and pleading, then informed me someone from the behavioral center would call me in about 2 weeks. I hung up the phone devastated and cried my heart out. When the tears subsided, a voice in my head said "AA." Someone much more powerful than me decided that's where I needed to be to stay alive. The insurance program wouldn't have worked anyway and He knew that. He also knew that I didn't have two weeks to wait. I tried all the methods the Book mentions and more. I was down to my last thread of hope and AA was it.

Today I am grateful for Divine Intervention.

Apr 17, 2005

"We alcoholics are sensitive people." (Big Book, page 125)
Oh! How vindicated I felt when I read that sentence. Yes, that explains so much about me and my life. Tread lightly around me now, don't hurt my feelings---don't look at me the wrong way....I'm sensitive and now have a book that proves it. Imagine my shock and disbelief when I read the NEXT sentence: " It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap."
 
  Whoa now! Serious handicap??? Well bummer....there goes my excuse for being coddled. I guess my friends and family DON'T have to walk on eggshells around me. Seriously, I have read that excerpt dozens of times, but I just read it this morning and truly comprehended the whole thing. I think my subconscious blocked out the "serious handicap" part. I've even heard it mentioned many times in meetings; "We are sensitive," as though we should wear that label proudly. I know I have used it as an excuse for many a pity party.

Today I am grateful I know that my sensitivity is a serious handicap.

Apr 18, 2005
   The last of my weekend company just left about 30 minutes ago. I have been sitting here surveying the aftermath and wondering where in the world to start the restoration process. It looks as though there was a wild frat party here. The good news is, I am content, even as I view the folding chairs, ice chests, water bottles, sleeping bags, and assorted paraphernalia strewn from one end of this house to the other.

   Furthermore, I don't have a hangover; I didn't do anything throughout the weekend I am remorseful about; nor do I owe any amends to anyone. Who would have ever thought a belligerent drunk like me could ever say that? In my BS (Before Sobriety) days, there would have been everything from profane screaming to fist fights taking place here during the weekend. I would have been a hospitable, but resentful hostess. I would be walking around right now cussing and complaining aloud to myself about those slobs who splattered the bathroom mirror; the ingrates who didn't throw their bottles and cans in the trash; the husband who didn't treat me right in front of guests; the ungrateful children who didn't appreciate me enough; and so on and so on and scooby dooby doo.

  But thanks to AA, I don't have to do any of that. I have changed, and as a result, the dynamic of my family has changed. The kitchen trash was taken out every time it got full; the dishes were washed; the leftovers were put away; the question, "is there anything I can do to help?" was asked many times, and all of these things were done without any prodding from me. There was laughter and joy here. There was love and compassion. There was courtesy and understanding. There was fun. And there was Life at its best. Cleaning up is a small price to pay for a gift that priceless.

Today I am grateful for Eureka, Windex, and Formula 409.

Apr 19, 2005

"Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of AA's Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all." (Twelve and Twelve, page 70)

   Like most alcoholics, I was the proverbial "egomaniac with an inferiority complex." Humility was NOT my strong suit. On the contrary, I was arrogant and conceited, believing myself intellectually superior to most everyone.....especially my family. That arrogance was fed and nourished by alcohol.  For me, alcohol fed all the dark forces within me. My "Mr. Hyde" emerged when I had a belly full of whiskey. The good Dr. Jekyl didn't stand a chance against that drunken alter-ego.

   I know that monster is dormant inside me now, but alcohol will wake her up. That Wicked Witch is not dead, she's just in hibernation. Coming to on that miraculous morning and feeling deep, genuine, and utter humility was my saving grace. God was finally able to enter my heart when I humbled down enough. I hope and pray I retain that humility and use it to keep the channel clear for God's guidance. As long as I stay humble, my chances of staying sober are good. Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow, Lion, Tin Man and all the Munchkins will be safe. And so will you.

Today I am grateful for humble pie.....mmm, mmm, good!

Apr 20, 2005

   I have been on the phone all morning with a fellow dysfunctional family member who finally decided to get honest with me about some destructive behaviors she has. I have been trying to "save" her since I got to AA.  Big Mistake. It has backfired time and again and I have been accused of being self-righteous and judgmental. I realized after a couple of years that the only person I could save was myself, and I WAS being self-righteous and judgmental.

   What I did finally do was write her a letter recently about how painful it was for me to watch someone I love self-destruct before my eyes. I told her I understood what my family must have gone through when I was drinking, that I loved her, and that I would always be here for her. I didn't hear from her for a week until this morning. We talked for 2 hours and I am hopeful that she is now willing and ready to do the work necessary to save her own life and soul. It is only my experience in AA that has enabled me to communicate with her this way. I have developed compassion and tolerance working with sponsees, and I know that, just as with the newcomers in AA, I can only carry the message of hope, and my strength and experience.

   It was ego that made me think I could "help" or "rescue" her, and it was humility (remember yesterday?) that made me realize I am not a savior; I am but a messenger. I can show by example much more effectively than with words.
Today I am grateful for Step 10.

Apr 21, 2005

I remember the first time I heard someone in a meeting say, " AA is my life."
I was just a few months sober and I thought to myself, "Oh, how pathetic!" I was thinking more along the lines of attaining this wonderful, alcohol-free, chaos-free life somewhere down the line (soon) and "graduating" from the program. Maybe I'd even pop into a meeting once in a while for a refresher course.

All I was planning to do was incorporate the program into my way of thinking and living and I'd be fine. Of course, I'd at least show up on my birthday and take a chip. Those poor souls who were claiming AA was their life would have my pity, but not the pleasure of my company on a regular basis. I'd show them how it should REALLY be done.
Boy! Was I ever in for a surprise! I would soon find out that without AA, I would not have a life to live and before long, I was incorporating my life into AA. There is no graduation ceremony and no pomp and circumstance. There is instead, a Blue Book that, just like the Kelly version, tells you what you're worth, even taking dents, dings, and mileage into consideration. I have discovered my worth through the Book and the program. I love AA-- It is my LIFE!!! (now where have I heard that before?)

Today I am grateful I'm not the lemon I thought I was.

There aren't very many situations today that make me truly angry or frustrated. My life has miraculously morphed into a harmonious, relatively stress free, joyous journey. "Practicing the principles" of AA has proven to be the most ideal and simple path to true contentment and happiness for me. However, I find myself fuming inside when I witness someone come into meetings day after day and announce they have drank again. The nonchalant manner in which the proclamation is made just infuriates me. "
Ho hum---I bought another bottle yesterday and went home and drank it--- so here I am again." The words are spoken with complete apathy. Then I become angry with myself for feeling agitated. It creates an inner turmoil inside me that is difficult to quell. I'm torn between grabbing them and violently shaking some sense into them while screaming "WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS---READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!!" and wrapping my arms around them and saying " It's OK."

Both responses feel wrong. In the first place, I know I mustn't act on my anger, so giving someone Shaken Drunk Syndrome is out of the question. Yet, on the other hand, IT IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!! So what is the solution? Your input is welcome and encouraged!
Today I am grateful I was sober yesterday.

Apr 22, 2005

I identify at meetings as a happy alcoholic because that's exactly what I am. I'm not saying I don't have problems that I am willing to share about, and I won't deny I have bad days, but thank goodness and thanks to AA, those are few and far between.

I try to share more recovery than disease. I want the newcomers to leave with hope so they will come back for more. It was the attraction of hope that brought me back for a 2nd meeting and hundreds more after that. The well of hope springs eternal in the rooms of AA. It is there for us to tap into and drink from, satisfying that thirst and quenching our dry, barren souls.
When I was drinking I was cynical and pessimistic. My glass was always half-empty (unless it was my whiskey glass). My glass is even better than half-full now, it is running over. I am a Happy alcoholic. I will try to provide water for Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy, and all the others whenever I can.

Today I am grateful when I can be of service.

Apr 23, 2005

  " Courtesy, kindness, justice, and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody." ( 12 and 12, page 93)

  "We are people who normally would not mix." (Big Book, page 17)
Pretty powerful stuff, eh? I just came from the Round-Up--my fourth. I always come home on Cloud 9 from that annual function. To be surrounded by sobriety, camaraderie, laughter, tears, and emotions that run the gamut of human feelings is one of the most awesome experiences ! The vast differences in people and lifestyles is evident and obvious, yet we share that bond that makes us harmonious.

  I met and spoke with people of different cultures, religions, ethnicity, age, class, and gender. Some of them served time, others never got so much as a parking ticket. Some had more piercings than Ernest and Julio Gallo have grapes, while others looked like they belonged on the cover of Vogue. Some were tattooed from head to toe and others looked like college professors. It was incredible and amazing, it always is. We all hugged and talked and saw each others insides. We speak the same language; the "language of the heart."

  We don't just come together to commiserate with each other; we don't meet up to regale others with our drunkalogues; we don't come looking for pity; we aren't seeking fame; what we're there for is to celebrate sobriety; to celebrate life. We come to get a heaping helping of acceptance. And we come to carry that all-important message; the message of Hope.
Today I am grateful I don't ever have to feel alone

Apr 24, 2005

  "Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group?" (12 and 12, pages 111-112)

  The family member I spoke of a few muses ago said to me recently, " I wish you could show me the same compassion you show to your AA women." She had heard me speaking on the phone to an AA woman with love and tolerance in my voice, yet when speaking to her about her problems, I had a tendency to be harsh and impatient. Her comment annoyed me at the time and my knickers were in a twist, but isn't that part of Step 12? "To practice these principles in all our affairs?"

  This new way of life isn't meant to be practiced exclusively on fellow AA members. With my husband and children, it is easier to "practice the principles" because they are not mired in an addiction of their own. They are pretty well-adjusted and low maintenance. My sister, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. She can teach me how to truly practice the principles and exercise love and tolerance outside my tight AA circle.

  Today I am grateful for tolerance.

Apr 25, 2005

  "CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES COULD RESTORE US TO SANITY." (STEP 2)

  'Restore us to sanity' resonated in my heart and mind after my first meeting. I don't remember in vivid detail the rest of the meeting, but those words stuck with me. I was somewhat relieved to find out that I wasn't an idiot, and I wasn't evil. I was insane. Whew! What a load off my deranged mind!

  Another thing I remember from that first meeting was the emotion I felt. I was as low as a person could be, yet at the same time, I felt lifted up, cautiously excited and hopeful. I was amazed and awed at the laughter and light-heartedness. I witnessed the joy of sobriety that night and Boy oh Boy was I attracted to it! I'm still tremendously attracted to it. The laughter I heard that night was a foreign sound to my ears because it was genuine. My own laughter had been false and hollow for so many years and my smiles were superficial.
I am grateful today for the Rosewood Monday Night meeting.

Apr 26, 2005

  "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." (Big Book, page 58)

  I must have heard that reading hundreds of times before that line clicked in my head: "completely give themselves to this simple program." Aha! That's it---Eureka!
I have to completely give myself. Good idea....wish I'd thought of it. My Websters defines completely as 'having no part lacking'. I like to add an 's' to that and say 'having no part slacking'.

  I was very lazy in the last 6 years of my drunkenness. I quit work, my house and yard went to pot (actually, it went to alcohol since I didn't do pot...hardy har har), and my physical appearance was downright disgusting most of the time. I brought that laziness into AA with me. Initially, I was afire with enthusiasm and eagerness, but after 6 months or so, I began looking for shortcuts. I wanted the Cliff Notes version of the Big Book.

  Before I knew it, I was a dry drunk. Old behaviors started creeping back into my life. I began to realize that I didn't like myself when I exhibited those behaviors; it reminded me too much of my drinking days. Eventually, I really heard that line and comprehended the meaning of it.

   "Completely give themselves to this simple program." I know we are only supposed to live one day at a time, but I feel safe in saying if I remember that line and JUST DO IT....my sobriety and happiness are pretty much guaranteed.

  Today I am grateful there were no Cliff Notes.

Apr 27, 2005

  An idea was conceived in my brain when I wrote "Cliff Notes" yesterday. It's been squirming around up there so I must give birth to it.

  What would the 164 pages of the Big Book sound like if you had to condense it to a few paragraphs? I'm going to take a stab at it. Here goes:

  Bill is desperate to stop drinking. He contacts Bob, who also has a drinking problem and they discover they can help each other. They share their idea with many other alcoholics. That idea is; form a fellowship and follow certain guidelines. The first thing you do is admit you have a problem with drinking, then you open your mind to the possibility that you're not God, then you work these 12 Steps:
1. Give up
2. Look Up
3. Relinquish the reins
4. Write about yourself -- the Good, Bad, and Ugly.
5. Tell someone else about the Good, Bad, and Ugly.
6. Get ready to unload some Bad and Ugly.
7. Ask Someone take away the Bad and Ugly.
8. Make a list of damages.
9. Repair those damages
10. Stay vigilant and for Heaven's sake, say "I'm sorry" when you know you should. 11. Get close and stay close to Someone bigger than you, and pray for guidance.
12. Spread the word to others like you and keep your nose clean.
It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Just do your best, and stay active with fellow alcoholics. Be helpful, humble, and honest. Choose right over wrong and Life over self-destruction. Give your family some space and time to adjust. You hurt them and they need time to heal. They may even resent your newfound joy. Cut 'em some slack. Follow these suggestions and you will know freedom and happiness like you never knew existed.
Blessings be upon thee, My Friend.

Apr 28, 2005

  "WE THOUGHT WE COULD FIND AN EASIER, SOFTER WAY."
(Big Book, page 58)

  It saddens me to see newcomers, or especially chronic relapsers trying the "easier, softer way" to stay sober. They immerse themselves in non AA women's groups, take up new hobbies, get new boyfriends, read a plethora of self-help books, join every club they can think of, all to no avail. None of those extracurricular activities keep them sober. I want to plead with them, implore them to just focus on AA and AA alone for a while---one year, or at least 6 months.
I see it as escapism; they are still running from the fact that they are alcoholic and their lives are unmanageable. Perhaps they haven't quite made that concession to their "innermost" selves that they are alcoholics. I wish there were something I could say or do to make them understand that all that stuff comes later. Once you have worked the Steps and are truly "practicing the principles" then the sky is the limit. You can do or be anything you desire. As long as you avoid the work required in the program, you put yourself at serious risk to drink again.

  Today I am grateful I was willing.

Apr 30, 2005

" Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master." (Big Book, page 8-Bill's Story)
Whooo---that gives me chills. We know the desperation and feelings of hopelessness and defeat Bill described don't we? Quicksand in all directions...no place to go but down. At least that's what it feels like when you're at that "jumping off place." You just become so ready for that quicksand to go ahead and swallow you up and end your misery as well as the misery you're causing everyone in your life.

  I have compared the end of my drinking career to a children's song called " I'm Being Swallowed By A Boa Constrictor." It goes: Oh No! He swallowed my toe; Oh Gee! He's up to my knee; Oh Fiddle! He's reached my middle; Oh Heck! He's up to my neck; Oh Dread! He swallowed my.......................GULP!!!

  That's what alcohol was doing to me, swallowing me whole. The first drink I took, that Big Snake swallowed my toe and by the time I stopped drinking it was a heartbeat away from devouring my head, leaving no trace of me. I would have been lost forever to that Seductive Serpent.

  Today I am grateful I still have my head.