March

Mar 1, 2005

  I heard someone share at a meeting recently that they knew they would never be healed of this disease. Make no mistake, there is a BIG difference between being healed and being cured. The Big Book tells us we will not be cured, but there is most definitely healing that can and will take place. I have experienced healing in all aspects of my life. I have healed, and will continue to heal-- emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

   I have seen relationships heal that I thought were irreparable. The healing process begins from the moment of surrender. If you come in to AA looking for a cure, you've come to the wrong place, but if it's healing you're after, all you have to do is want it and be willing to do your part.
Today I am grateful to AA for healing my owies.

Mar 2, 2005

"Accept criticism as well as you accept praise." (24 Hours a Day)
  Ah yes.....a specialty subject for me. I still battle with this one.  I mean, I can tell you what you're doing wrong, but don't take MY inventory! What's that old saying---you can dish it out, but you can't take it? That was me in my drinking career, BIG TIME, and believe me, I continue to work on it every day. I used to fly into a rage, or go the other direction and pout or cry whenever someone criticized me.

    Thank God for AA and the women who have shown me the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. I have actually been able to LISTEN to helpful advice and suggestions, instead of puffing up like a blowfish and loading my guns for retaliation. It's SO much better this way.....you might say "easier and softer." And after all, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

  I am growing up in AA---maturing. I realized I was emotionally immature and behaved like a child much of the time. The whiskey bottle was my pacifier. Today I am grateful for praise AND criticism. They both contribute to my progress.

Mar 3, 2005

" God provides food for the birds, but He doesn't throw it into the nest." ( proverb)
  Well gee whiz! Now I know why He didn't get me sober. He wanted me to actually get out of the nest, or bottle, if you will, and go get it myself. He provided AA, but they weren't going to come knocking on my door and place a newcomer chip in my hand. I had to get good and hungry, and then I had to get off my lazy, drunken butt and go find FOOD.

   By September 23, 2001, I was literally starving to death in my heart, mind, soul, and spirit. AA has fed and nurtured me back to health. The women have held the spoon and said "Open wide! "  Sometimes I wanted to spit up on them, but I choked it all down....even the Humble Pie. Today I am grateful to the Spoon Holders.

Mar 4, 2005

  I have a wonderful relationship with my sponsor. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame when I had been in AA about a week. She was the epitome of calm and contentment, and I wanted what she had. When I was a year sober, my step-mom died and several months after that, I wanted to get my Pops out of his depression, so I invited him to a concert with my sponsor and me. Eventually, they began to date and my life became a Jerry Springer episode..."My sponsor is dating my dad and I want HER back!"

   They now live together, so I've learned to share her with the rest of the family. My sisters all adore her and so do all the grand-children in the family. But, she and I have a special and unique bond. One of the greatest gifts she gave me was the ability to love other women. From the very beginning, she hugged me and told me she loved me---something my own mother had never done. She often takes my face in her hands and kisses me on the cheek or lips. Each time we part or speak on the phone, her last words are---"I love you honey.

  " What a precious gift she gave me! I could not love other women, nor could I trust them. She changed all that and my life is enriched because of it. Today I am grateful for my sponsor, Bernice L.



Mar 5, 2005

  I called my sponsor yesterday and told her she had been the subject of a recent Muse. Then I told her how grateful I was for teaching me how to love and trust women. She said humbly; "Well, honey, I couldn't have shown you how, if someone hadn't shown me first." And there you have it!  We "give back what we were so freely given." It's as simple as that .

She didn't want to take credit for my progress. She understands the program and "how it works." She lives the legacy of AA. I think sometimes I try to complicate the program; I analyze and over-analyze situations and people. That again, is my ego rearing its ugly head. I play psychologist too much. When I do that, I am "Edging God Out" and that is dangerous. Today I will be humble. Today I am grateful to AA for its motto "Keep It Simple." I will chant it like a mantra all day long.

Mar 6, 2005

  Honesty really is the best policy. In AA, honesty is a life insurance policy. Even if you can't stop drinking once you come in, at least be honest about it. I have had sponsees look me right in the eye and say they haven't had a drink when they reeked of booze. The first time I smelled alcohol in a meeting was on the chip giver who placed a chip in my hand and gave me a hug. I was confused, to say the least, since I was pretty new at the time. It happens, and I know it's none of my business unless I'm sponsoring that person. I just tell them that I am working an honest program, so I expect nothing less from my sponsees.

   These 2 deaths we've experienced this year have convinced me that honesty is not an option in this program. It is a necessity. Neither of those women could get honest about their inability to stop drinking. It cost them their lives. We must be rigorously honest about everything. Every time we lie, no matter what it's about, we chip away at our character. One lie becomes 2, and before we know it, we're tangled up in lies. When I was drinking, I couldn't keep track of all my lies---it was exhausting!
Today I am grateful for truth.

Mar 7, 2005

   I love that paragraph from the 1st chapter of the 12 and 12 that says: "Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to AA, and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become as open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us."
  Coming to AA and acquiring knowledge and understanding of this disease of addiction, the fatal nature, certainly opened my mind. And since I was dying in every sense of the word, I was more than willing to listen. It is an obsession that has no mercy. It also has no preference or prejudice. Alcoholism crosses all lines of culture, class, color, religion, and breeding. You could be the Pope, or a lowly peasant----it makes no difference; you're still goin' down, my friend. If you're an alcoholic, you've lost the battle before it ever begins. Your best hope of being victorious over this enemy is AA.
Today I am grateful I was willing to listen.

Mar 8, 2005

Here's my favorite acronym for Sponsor.  Sober Person Offering Newcomers Suggestions On Recovery. Pretty cool, eh? I didn't make it up, I found it in a cool little book called Keep Coming Back. That's also where I read that " AA's 12 steps are like a box of wrenches....they'll fit any nut who walks in the door."
I was a Cocktail Nut myself.
Today I am grateful for my sanity.

Mar 9, 2005

   Spring is here, or at least waiting just around the corner. I have native plants blooming in the back....the poppies have been vibrant and beautiful for weeks already. My sages and other natives are all blooming with pink, purple, and other gorgeous colors. The non-natives are still pretty pathetic looking, but I see green buds on the dead twigs now. I have come to love my plants and flowers so much. As a practicing alcoholic, I didn't care what my house or yard looked like. After a while, my husband gave up on it too, pretty much. I guess he figured if I didn't care, why should he.

    I take good care of the flower beds now. I weed like crazy; I water the non-natives and resist the temptation to water the natives in the summer. I pull off the dead flower heads off......I nurture it, tend it, WORK at it, and the blooms and smells are my reward. The GROWTH is my reward.

  Working my AA program is no different. I pull the weeds of resentment, get my nourishment by reading the Big Book, going to meetings and talking to the women; WORK at it, and I get to grow, bloom, and flourish. Cool!
Today I am grateful for my sense of smell, and my eyesight.

Mar 10, 2005

  I went to bed feeling sorry for myself and have the need this morning to get off the pity pot. One little word that came to mind as I sat down here was "we"-----the first word in the 12 steps. We admitted, if you want what we have, we we we.....it's probably on every page of the Big Book. Someday, I'll count them all when I'm feeling really ambitious.

  I take great comfort in knowing I don't have to do or feel anything alone anymore. I'm no longer a 'square peg' or an outcast of society. I must be ever mindful of the fact however, that alcohol is not required to put myself back into self-imposed isolation. Sometimes I'm tempted to do just that. Yesterday I pretended I wasn't home when the Schwan's man came because I was pulling into myself, withdrawing from the world. I was melancholy; I had missed my meeting, and I didn't feel good. My throat hurt, my head hurt, yada yada yada...poor me poor me!

   I felt silly after I heard his truck leave, as I peered out from my closed blinds. It brought back some ugly memories of the days I drank behind those closed blinds and locked doors. This morning, I raised my blinds and opened my windows. I am grateful today that "WE" don't have to isolate and hide from the world anymore.

Mar 11, 2005

  "We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator..........We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe." (Big Book, page 75)

    "We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life." (Big Book, page 132)

  You know, sometimes I read these excerpts and I get chills. My heart flutters and I get butterflies in my stomach. ONLY another alcoholic could identify with these feelings. A "normie" could read this and feel nothing. This book rivals every profound philosophy text ever written, but the normal masses will never read it. I don't know about the rest of you, but that makes me feel tremendously honored. I have seen myself on virtually every page of this book. I have been given an explanation for my bizarre, insane life; one that I can understand and accept. AA was, and continues to be, my ticket out of Hell.
Today I am grateful for the Big Book.

Mar 12, 2005

  Most of you know that I sing at the Hallmark Assisted Living Facility church service every Sunday. Yesterday I left there with so much love and gratitude in my heart I thanked God all the way home for that assignment. My Pops cried through the last song I sang.....I put my heart and soul into it and he was really moved. He knows where I was over 3 years ago. After the service, I always go around the room and give hugs and kisses to everyone. I tell them how much they bless my life, but they INSIST I am the one blessing them. It was a very emotional and uplifting day.

  On the way home, I realized I would NEVER have had those blessings without AA. Me? Singing gospel to old people? A sloppy, disgusting, belligerent drunk? There's a visual for you! I know you women have never seen that Nan, and God forbid you ever will, but I assure you, it was NOT a pretty sight.

  Thank God for you women; for AA, and for a life without alcohol. The freedom is indescribable. I have put more miles on my car in the last 3 years than in the 9 previous to that. I don't screen my calls; I don't have to hide from the world ( well maybe from the Schwans man every once in a blue moon) I am FREE FREE FREE and I no longer live in darkness. I am walking in the "Sunlight of the Spirit" and I get to share ' this little light of mine' with others.

Today I am grateful for freedom.


Mar 13, 2005

"I'm a person today that I never would have wanted to know, yet I'm happier than I've ever been." (Keep Coming Back)

   Looking back into my past can be painful, but the Big Book tells me I should not shut the door on it. I must always remember the other Nan......my evil twin, my alter ego. I would have absolutely DESPISED her, if I'd had the misfortune of meeting her as the Nan I am today. I would have run as far from her as I could get, lest she whip my butt for looking at her the wrong way. Maybe she would have ripped me to shreds with her vicious tongue as she did so many others.

   She wrote toxic letters too, by regular mail, and e-mail. I am glad I never got one of those hateful word bombs. She was unhappy and miserable and everyone who had contact with her became the unwitting and innocent victim of the poison she spread.
I don't ever want to forget that woman. If I do, I might become her again.
Today I am grateful for the memory cells in my brain I didn't destroy.

Mar 14, 2005

" AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition 'happy are ye who know these things and do them.'  For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will."
(Big Book, page 551: Freedom From Bondage)

  The stories in the 2nd half of the Big Book have been truly educational testimonials for me. They are awesome and there is a story for everyone. These are real people, just like you and I, who share their experience, strength and hope with us by baring their souls, their pain, and their rebirth. This one says it so well....you will get back what you give. Too many times I've seen members who suck the life energy out of other members like a blood-thirsty vampire, but they are not willing to give anything back to the program. I've had a few fang marks on my own neck. Self-absorption is a lethal liability. Self-will is a catalyst for catastrophe.
Today I am grateful that I can be a giver.

Mar 15,2005

  One thing I learned early in AA is that I must be teachable. My sponsor told me that everyone was my teacher. Some would teach me how I wanted to behave, and some would teach me how I did NOT want to behave. I learned something today that I didn't know yesterday. I learned something yesterday that I didn't know the day before. I try to be a thirsty sponge, absorbing knowledge, wisdom, strength, and hope, and applying it to my life in some way.
  When I was drinking, I didn't think anybody could teach me anything. I thought I knew everything. That was arrogance and ego. I was critical and judgmental. I wasn't a sponge, I was a stone, cold rock.

   Furthermore, I didn't WANT to know anything. I was like the Simon and Garfunkel song " I touch no one and no one touches me....I am a rock, I am an island---and a rock feels no pain---and an island never cries."

Today I am grateful I can feel. Today I am grateful I can learn.

Mar 16,2005

  Boy! Did I ever have a nightmare last night!  I dreamed I started a fire in an old barrel and put ALL my AA books in there. It was triggered, I'm sure, by a scene from The Burning Bed, which I had watched earlier.

   Additionally, I was in somewhat of an agitated state yesterday from a share at a morning meeting, so my brain was having a field day with all those memories and images. Also thrown into the mix was heartache and pain from a statement my husband had made. Yikes! The result of all that was an emotional hangover when I awoke; our book talks about those.

   What I did right yesterday however, was asked for advice and suggestions from AA women, prayed, meditated, and found a quiet place to be still and rest my throbbing head. I was in sensory overload and battling those old behaviors of anger and resentment. "Picking up that spiritual tool kit, " as I have been instructed to do, calmed those emotions and kept me on my path of recovery. Had I followed my initial instinct and did things MY way, the result would have been disastrous. My old methods of dealing with adversity were retaliation, rage, isolation, and booze. My old life was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from until I came to AA.
Today I am grateful that nightmares are only temporary.

Mar 17, 2005

  Children are so eager to learn. They are open-minded, flexible, resilient, loving and forgiving. They love to laugh. They are pleased with the simplest of pleasures; making mud pies, drawing on cardboard boxes, putting corn flakes in a coffee can and creating a maraca, chasing butterflies with a little dollar store net, not even caring if they catch them or not.
Today I am grateful I have children in my life. I will endeavor to be more like them. After all, those qualities make for a mighty happy alcoholic.

Mar 18. 2005

" If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol." (Big Book, page 33)
  That's it....Period!!  I wonder if that is the downfall of many who decide to drink again. They have a reservation, a lurking notion that it might be different next time? There is a sentence that precedes that one that says "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."  I strain my brain trying to figure out WHY someone would want to try drinking again. I know, I know....alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful---but WHY, after you KNOW you can have a better, happier life without it, would you pick it back up?

  If you can enlighten me, please feel free to give me your input. On page 25, the Big Book says "We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed." I can only guess that those who choose to drink again ( I don't even like the word relapse, too impersonal, clinical...let's call it what it is--insanity, suicide, self-destruction) anyway, those who make that choice, have not yet been rocketed into that fourth dimension and have not found heaven.

   I suppose it doesn't matter if you have 20 years or 90 days, if you don't GET IT, you may have that lurking notion, that reservation. Today I am grateful I have taken that rocket ride.

Mar 19, 2005

  The daily muses seem to have meta-morphed into a gratitude journal, but I suppose that's as it should be. Gratitude is always my favorite topic at a meeting because I know without a doubt, that if I am chosen to share, I will not be tongue-tied. There is no shortage of gratitude in my heart; I develop diarrhea of the mouth when I share on all the things for which I'm grateful.

   Every morning when I awaken, I am grateful I didn't "come to." Thus begins my day on a promising note. I say aloud, "thank you God for another day of sobriety yesterday and another day of life today." When I was drinking, my day began quite differently. I would come to, always with a mouth dryer than the Sahara desert, a head that had an army of little men with sledgehammers inside, and the excruciatingly painful and shameful memory of the day before. Of course, it wouldn't be long after I got up that I would need more booze to dull the physical and emotional pain, and to blot out the memories. Around and around and around she goes....where she stops, nobody knows. That was my life.......no, cancel that----that was my existence -- it didn't qualify as a life.

Today I am grateful I am alive and not just existing.

Mar 20, 2005

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent."
(Big Book, page 24)

  I know that was true for me. I had lost the power of choice when it came to drinking. Ultimately, I drank because I had to, not because I wanted to, because God knows, I DIDN'T want to . I was just like a boxer when I drank. Every time I picked that bottle up, I knew that alcohol had won another round, and I was beaten again; against the ropes. I got pummeled, thrashed, bloodied, and pounded---over and over again, but I kept coming back for more....climbing back into the ring. I finally went down for the count on September 23rd, 2001, and I threw in the towel.

  I was never going to win the battle....not ever. I am powerless in that match and alcohol will beat me every time. But I am victorious nevertheless. I get to live as long as I don't drink, and I keep AA in my corner. Today I am grateful I took off the gloves and took Step One.

Mar 21, 2005

  WOW.....what a glorious day I've had! I drove to Pine Mountain today for the 2nd time in a week. What's so great about that, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I lived in a dreary, dark world the last decade of my drinking. Sometimes I had a panic attack just driving to the store. It has only been in the last year or so of my sobriety that I have gained the courage to venture out beyond my safe boundaries. Now granted, both trips this week were with a cherished friend and AA woman in the passenger seat, so it was kind of like taking a piece of my "safe" place with me, but it was exhilarating nonetheless.

  Pine Mountain is beautiful. If you want to feel close to God, that's a good place to go. I sat on a bench in the village square today and felt so serene and contented. The realization hit me, full force, that I am losing my fear of the outside world. I'm beginning to feel like there is a place for me in it. Even more amazing is the fact that I WANT to be in it. It was truly a spiritual experience. The weather turned dark and rainy as we left to head home. More than rain even, it was a slush falling from the skies. It was still OK. I wasn't frightened and I didn't panic. I was on a natural high. I had trust and faith and the TOTAL ABSENCE OF FEAR. Another shackle broken in my journey of recovery and life. If Humpty Dumpty had been blessed with AA women, he wouldn't have ended up in somebody's omelet.

Today I am grateful to God, and to the women He sent to put the pieces of me back together.

Mar 22, 2005

   I draw inspiration for these musings, not only from my own experiences, but from others in the program. There are several often-heard phrases like " I don't know if you'll understand" or "I don't know if I'm making any sense" that I hear in meetings. Inevitably, they are followed by murmurs of assent or nods, indicating,  Yes! We do! We do! This program's premise is that only an alcoholic can help/understand another alcoholic.

   I heard a wonderful lady share one time that she sat in her chair with her gallon of wine on the floor next to her, and the tube from her fish aquarium was her straw. She said it was so much easier than getting up and refilling her glass. Now, a normal person would think her daft or demented, but I thought "how resourceful" and I totally understood her reasoning. We DO understand each other. If I tell another woman in recovery that I used to commit adultery, urinate in public, and start fist fights every chance I got, she would feel my pain and shame, and she'd hold me and say "It's OK."

   She'd understand even if she hadn't done any of those things. She would still know how I felt. We all have our dark secrets and burdens, but they need not weigh us down or hold us back. I relate to every story I hear in one way or another. I understand the prostitute, the schoolteacher, the nurse, the 80 year old curmudgeon, and the 18 year old student. I even understand and feel the pain of the mother who forgot to get her children out of the car before she passed out in her house, leaving them to suffocate in their car seats. But for the grace of God, that could have been me. In my very soul, I know that to be true.

Today I am grateful to have a forum in which I can speak and listen with my heart.

Mar 23, 2005

  Some of you have read this, but there are new readers I'd like to share it with. I wrote this one day as I was pondering the faces of the many women who came through the doors of AA after me, looking and feeling like I did when I arrived. The joy of watching the transformation as they heal is a precious gift. May God be with those who didn't stay.

CODE BLUE
She knows where she's going, but she'll die if she goes.
There are no more highs, only desperate lows.
Her eyes tell a story of terror and fear,
She ran out of hope, and she ended up here.
Confusion is carved in the lines of her face,
She's run out of time and she's fallen from grace.
The reflection she sees in the mirror each day
Fills her heart with such loathing, she must turn away.
The woman she was, and still wants to be
Has vanished from sight and is no longer free.
Drugs have enslaved her, be they liquid or pill.
They've ravaged her body and stolen her will.
Her loved ones are angry, yet anguish inside.
They grieve her death, though she hasn't yet died.
We wrap her in love as she comes through the door,
Yes, we've all seen that face in the mirror before.

Mar 24, 2005

" Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion....."
( Eleventh Tradition)

There is an old country song by George Jones and Tammy Wynette in which the chorus is: "No, we're not the jet set - We're the old Chevro-Let ( let rhymes with get) Our steak and martinis - Is draft beer with weenies."

  I was thinking about that song and how it reminds me of the many faces of AA. I am attracted to sobriety, Period.  As I discover who I am, I find I am drawn to women whose lifestyles are as different as night and day, yet I am attracted to what they have. I learn by their examples, experience, behavior, wisdom, and suggestions. I don't learn from the clothes they wear, their careers, their sexual orientation, or the size of their bank accounts. I am loving this journey I'm on. I love discovering who I really am. I am martinis and weenies. (figuratively speaking, of course.

Today I am grateful for diversity.

Mar 25, 2005

"When men and women pour so much alcohol into themselves that they destroy their lives, they commit a most un-natural act. Defying their instinctive desire for self-preservation, they seem bent upon self-destruction. They work against their own deepest instinct. As they are humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the grace of God can enter them and expel their obsession. Here their powerful instinct to live can cooperate fully with their Creator's desire to give them new life. For nature and God alike abhor suicide." (12 and 12, page 64)

  I realize that's much larger than the usual excerpts, but isn't it profound and powerful? Our natural instinct is to live, but alcohol robs us of that. We all tried to self-destruct, whether it was on a conscious level or not. In my case, I really thought I wanted to die. Alcohol distorted my thinking and my God-given instincts. It wasn't until I felt that deep, utter humility, that I realized I wanted to live. I believe that was my moment of surrender; my first cognizant thought in many years; MY thought, not alcohol's. In that moment, I was humble enough for "the grace of God" to come into my heart. I knew the truth, the "pitiful, incomprehensible, demoraliz[ing]" truth. I was an alcoholic and I was destroying myself. That truth has set me free.

Today I am grateful to have my natural instincts restored.

Mar 26, 2005

  I love the many synonyms in the Big Book and 12 and 12 for defects of character. Some of them are: character flaws, liabilities, derelictions, deficiencies, major human failings, destructive handicaps, and my personal favorite; index of maladjustments. Regardless of what they are called, it is highly likely that for every negative trait we give up in Steps 6 and 7, it will be replaced by a positive one. Pretty cool, eh? I mean, if I offered you a hundred dollar bill for a one dollar bill, wouldn't you be crazy not to take it? It is the same with our defects of character. If I give up anger, I receive peace and calm. If I give up greed, I get benevolence and unselfishness. I give away the worthless, damaging liabilities and I get valuable assets in return. What a deal! Today I am grateful for bargains.

Mar 27, 2005

   I love the Spiritual Sisters Group! My life has been blessed and enriched beyond words since I made that meeting a necessary part of my program. I love the women in there and feel honored that they open their hearts to me. By the same token, I am honored that they listen to me when I open my heart to them. I know the Big Book says that we are not a glum lot, and that newcomers need to see the joy of our existence, but I used to feel resentful and hurt when I was sharing and there was talking and laughing going on.

    My old fears and insecurities would pop up and I'd wonder if I was being criticized or laughed at, and I'd have the insane urge to run from the room crying. Today, my fear is that the newcomer might feel like I don't care enough to listen, and they may not "keep coming back."   I am not a saint and have been guilty of talking, note-passing, and giggling during a meeting, so I write this to remind and chastise myself today NOT to do that. I want to put myself back in the newcomer's seat. ( figuratively, not literally) I want to always remember how I used to feel and that I may be hurting someone's chance of sobriety if I don't listen to them with my whole heart.

    Rule 62 is "don't take yourself too seriously" and I try to remember that for myself, but I don't ever want another alcoholic to think that I don't take them or their pain seriously. I also want to say that when I enter the meeting before it begins, and hang around after it has ended, that the laughter and chatter is literally music to my ears. I LOVE hearing the happy babble and camaraderie filling the room. It brings joy to my heart and life.
Today I am grateful for the Spiritual Sisters Group. You are Messengers, Mentors, and Medicine for my soul.

Mar 28, 2005


   In one of the stories of the Big Book, and I can't remember which one, the writer speaks of living his life under a cloud of "impending disaster." I related to that because I lived my life that way. After the sudden death of my teen-aged brother in 1973, I spent the next several decades waiting for the next catastrophe. I closed myself off to loving and being loved; I simply went through the motions of living. I also turned my back on God which sent me into darkness.

   Anger, resentment, grief, and fear were the emotions that dictated my thoughts and actions. I had the Sword of Damocles dangling precariously and ominously over my head. My thought processing was dysfunctional and it was controlled by alcohol. Alcohol became my coping mechanism for everything and I couldn't function without it. I actually believed I COULD NOT function without the drink. I thought I was functioning quite well for many years, but in retrospect, I know that I wasn't. I wasn't even going through the motions of living, I was going through the motions of dying. Today I am grateful to be living one day at a time.

Mar 29, 2005


   After I wrote of living my life in dread of the next disaster to befall me, I recalled a paper I wrote for a college psychology class. A year of college was just one of the "methods I tried" to control my drinking, but I digress. The assignment was to write about the most profound psychological event of our lives, so obviously, I chose to write about the death of my brother. I described the utter devastation and shock; the gut-wrenching pain, and the indescribable sorrow.

  I began the tale by describing what I was doing when my doorbell rang that fateful night. I was sitting in my living room floor playing "Perfection" with my 2 year-old daughter. If you are not familiar with that game, it is a plastic box with variously shaped indentations, in which you have to place the corresponding shape before the timer CLICKS and the inserted pieces POP back out. Anyway, to make a long story short, I ended the paper by writing that I realized on that night that there is no such thing as Perfection. Now here I am, a member of AA - 10 years later, practicing principles that are based on progress, not perfection. I'm not quite sure why, but there seems to be a meaningful connection there somehow. I have heard there are no coincidences in God's world. Today I am grateful to be making progress. I realize I have finally completed my grieving process with the help of AA, and have accepted the death as part of my journey in life.

Mar 30, 2005

" But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got."
(Big Book, page 164)

  I love to surround myself with women who "transmit" love, tolerance, forgiveness, unselfishness, laughter, patience, joy, courage, optimism, serenity and all kinds of other good stuff. I am in 7th Heaven now that I am in AA. I have never known such unbridled happiness and freedom. I try to stay amped up for my own sake, as well as the newcomers. I've received from the transmitters who are practicing the principles of AA. I want what they have and I am willing tune into their suggestions and work for it. Sometimes I give them static, but they keep me from getting wired and make sure I stay plugged in to the program.
Today I am grateful for fun.