February

Feb 2 ,2005

  Most of you know that I draw inspiration from music. I love it when I hear a song that moves my heart and soul; a song that tells my story. I awoke this morning with a line in my head from that Randy Travis song, Three Wooden Crosses. " It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it's what you leave behind you when you go."

  The legacy I am building now, through AA and its principles, will be a far greater gift for my children, my family, friends, and loved ones than the legacy I was going to leave behind as a practicing alcoholic. I would have left behind heartache, pain, and regret. I would have left behind shameful memories, blame, guilt, and resentments for them to carry around their necks like the burdensome albatross. Today, I can find solace in the words of that song. Before I got sober, it would have only  exacerbated my self-loathing.

Feb 3, 2005

  "Your pain and your hunger are drivin' you home---and Freedom...well that's just some people talkin'---your prison was walkin' through this world all alone."   (Desperado)
Thank you all for opening the door of my cell and letting me out of my prison. For decades, I thought freedom came in a bottle, but now I know better.

Feb 4, 2005

" To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years." I have heard and read that women lack a certain enzyme that men have. This enzyme aids in, or speeds the metabolism and/or breakdown of alcohol. Women, at least in my opinion, carry a bigger burden of guilt and shame associated with drinking. It isn't as socially acceptable for women to "misbehave" as it is for men. That's why I treasure the fellowship with AA women. They understand me and my feelings; the men don't. I am not a male-bashing feminist. I've just never met a man in the program I could trust with my innermost horrors and sorrows. Before I came into AA, I didn't trust women as far as I could spit. Now that I have trusting and trustworthy female friends, I don't have to spit anymore.

Feb 5, 2005

" An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature. Our struggles with them are variously strenuous, comic, and tragic." (big book, p16 )

  I was the epitome of "unlovely" when I drank. I was ugly inside and out. As my addiction became a full-time career, I lost interest in my appearance, the state of my house, yard, car, and everything else. I was a virtual slug 90% of the time. I remember wearing the same old pair of ragged, holey sweats for days at a time, my hair was a greasy mess, my eyebrows were un-plucked, legs hairy, teeth yukky, and I didn't care. I isolated myself from the outside world, as well as my family. I screened all my calls and drank to oblivion day after day. Whiskey was my only companion and we were joined at the lip.

   What a blessing to feel beautiful on the inside now that I'm "out of my cups." I feel more 'lovely' now than I have ever felt in my entire life, and it has nothing to do with my physical appearance. Today I am grateful for my inner make-over.

Feb 6, 2005

This Muse is dedicated to our Beautiful Marr.
"God created us with an overwhelming desire to soar." (Carol Kent).

   He also created us to " mount up with wings like eagles."   It is extremely rewarding to watch someone come into the program broken and defeated, then witness the transformation as they lose their fear of themselves and life. They crawl through the doors, heads down, eyes avoiding others, faces pale and bodies trembling. As time passes and they "thoroughly follow the path" of AA, they begin to emerge from that cocoon. Before you know it, they are soaring to heights they never dreamed possible. The have self-worth and confidence. The shackles that held them prisoner fall away and the door to freedom is opened. They are "happy, joyous, and free."

  For me, watching this happen is one of the greatest rewards of this program.

Feb 7, 2005

  "The reality is that we eventually become what we think about. If I keep thinking I have a problem that is holding me back, I will end up believing this and act accordingly." (daily online devotional)

  When I was a full-time drunk, I thought I was despicable and worthless. I thought it so much, I became it. I thought I was a "bad seed," so consequently, I came to believe I was bad and acted accordingly. I have discovered in AA that we can't " think our way into better living, but we can live our way into better thinking."

   Imagine the relief and joy I felt when I realized I could UN-think myself worthless and loathsome. WOW!  It was so easy, even I could do it. All I had to do was stop drinking, and follow 12 simple steps. AA completely uncomplicated my life. I realized it was me who was making my life difficult. Those slogans that I thought were a crock of hooey when I first heard them have become my daily mantras. "Keep It Simple," Easy Does It," Let Go, Let God," and "One Day At A Time."

  I think I'll "Keep Coming Back!"

Feb 8,2005

  The "sunlight of the Spirit." ~~ I just love that phrase! The practicing alcoholic has little or no light in their world. My drinking world was dark and gloomy. I had dark thoughts and walked a gloomy path. Grey skies and black clouds hung over my head like the Sword of Damocles."  King Alcohol" was slowly sucking me into that Black Hole of desperation and hopelessness. The light got fainter and dimmer, until there was nothing. Walking into my very first AA meeting, I saw a sliver of light from the bottom of that pit.....just a wee little streak, but it was enough to get me back to a second meeting, and a 3rd and many more. That miniscule flickering of light was called Hope.

Feb 9, 2005

  "Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." (Big Book, p 62)

   I always drank to get drunk. From my first drink at 14, I had no control. I would drink until I disappeared; until I was someone else. There was a line I crossed somewhere between the 1st and last drink that stripped me of my morals, ethics, logic, common sense, and intelligence. This happened every time I got drunk. Blackouts were common and, at times, merciful. It was the drunken memories I did recall that brought so much grief and woe. I wanted to live up to my moral and ethical standards, but alcohol made that impossible. Today I am grateful, not only for my sobriety, but for the resurrection of my character and dignity.

Feb 14, 2005

Good Morning Everyone!

   To those of you who weren't in Vegas with me this weekend for the International Conference, I missed you enormously, but you were with me in Spirit. My head was abuzz with memories last night (but it was a good Committee) after I crawled in bed, emotionally and physically drained. The Conference was indescribable....a virtual ocean of women, all Sisters in the program. There were several thousand of us from as far as Australia, Japan, and other countries, as well as the 50 United States. It was absolutely awesome.

   Once, I stayed silent during the Serenity Prayer so I could hear all those voices in unison speaking those words that have come to mean so much to me. It was a truly spiritual experience. I could wrote for hours about it, and will write some more about the conference in the future, but for now, I'll say I love you all and I'm glad to be back home.

"The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us."  ( Big Book p 17 )


Feb 15, 2005

  Pages 84 and 85 in the Big Book tell us what will happen if we honestly and earnestly work the Steps of this program. We will stop fighting people and things; we will become sane again; we will lose our interest in alcohol; we will lose our fear and arrogance; we will be "safe and protected;" the problem of drinking will be removed. All these things will happen "so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

   The Big Book also warns us not to "rest on our laurels."  We must remain vigilant, for "alcohol is a subtle foe" and there is no cure. "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent (dependent) on the maintenance of our spiritual condition" .

  Our work is never finished if we are to remain sober and happy. We must maintain our sobriety. You wouldn't buy a new car and drive it continuously without changing the oil, or adding coolant. You wouldn't start a business and never take inventory, or balance the books. You wouldn't plant a vegetable garden and sit back while the weeds choked out the plants and the bugs feasted on the leaves. If you want results and success, you would maintain something you valued. The dictionary defines 'maintenance' as "sustaining against opposition or danger, and "to keep in an existing state." Maintenance for me is going to meetings, reading the Big Book, working with sponsees, working my Steps, staying close to the women I am inspired by, praying, reading the 12 and 12, and writing these Muse Papers.

    I'm grateful I have the faith to do the works.

Feb 16, 2005

  I've heard people share in many meetings that being in the rooms of AA is like being home. That's the way I feel. It is a safe and secure place; a place of warmth, understanding, and love; a place of laughter and tears; a place where I can relax, unwind, and unload.

   I read a wonderfully moving book by Dean Koontz long ago called Watchers. In the story, there was a very intelligent Golden Retriever named Einstein. This dog could understand and communicate with humans. His master built an elaborate system of compartments that held Scrabble tiles for Einstein to talk with. He would use his paw to release the letters he wanted, then arrange them into sentences.

   Now Einstein loved his owners Travis and Nora, and he loved wieners. Travis asked him once what "Home" was to him. Einstein got all the letter tiles he needed, then he spelled out " Home is where the weenies are."  Clearly, he had a sense of humor. But he was also a dog with deep feelings and attachments to his human companions. When Travis asked Einstein what he would have done had he not found a family, Einstein spelled out " I would have died of lonely."

  Without you women, I would have died of lonely. Thank you for being my family, and thanks for the "weenies." ; - )

Feb 18, 2005

"Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunken-ness would make a skeptic out of anyone." (Big Book, p83)

  Our families suffered a great deal of anguish when we were drinking, especially those we lived with. We must allow them their feelings and give them time to process the changes. We can't expect an overnight miracle in our homes and relationships just because we put "the plug in the jug." It's rather vain of us to expect special treatment or recognition just because we're in AA and changing our lives for the better. Speaking from my own experience, I did exactly that in the beginning. I quoted Big Book, took their inventories, and gave unsolicited advice left and right. My family was ready to send me off to Siberia. I had that "look at me! I'm doing so wonderful and why can't you appreciate it?" attitude. I had myself convinced that THEY were the ones with the problem. HAH.......boy, did I have a lot to learn!

  Today I am grateful for "ego-puncturing."

Feb 19, 2005

   I have spent this weekend with my daughter and son-in-law. They are still here and we are getting ready to go see a movie. I retreated to my room where the computer is, so I could send out the Muse for the day. This weekend has been filled with laughter, hugs, food, and love---not necessarily in that order. It is a true gift of the program of AA. There is no tension or fear of how much Mom will drink, and what kind of abhorrent behavior will be witnessed. There is no longer anger and resentment over my drunken shenanigans. There have been no dirty looks given to me every time I refill my glass, because I am drinking water, tea, or coffee. My cup runneth over with joy and gladness. This is freedom like I have never known.

   My daughter is pregnant. I hesitated spreading the wonderful news due to her miscarriage 2 years ago, but I can't hold it in any longer. I am worthy of having a grandchild. I can say that today and know it's true. By the grace of God and AA, this baby will be born and never see me drink . Today I am grateful to God for all His wondrous gifts....those I have already received, and those yet to come.

Feb 20, 2005

   I want to be a loving wife and mother. I want to be a good and trustworthy friend. I want to be a loving daughter and sister. Before I can be any of these things, I must first be a sober woman. I must love myself enough to not drink, and to practice AA's principles. I must have self-love and self-worth through sobriety before I can assume any role in life. It is not an option, it is a necessity. I wasn't good or loving when I was drinking. I was destructive and confrontational. I was manipulative and immoral. I hated myself, therefore I was not capable of loving anyone else in a healthy manner.  I love you, is something I can say today without feeling like a fraud or a hypocrite. Today, I am grateful that I can look in the mirror without shame.

Feb 22, 2005

"That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (Big Book, p60)    No human power---not my husband, daughter, friends or family, had any positive effect on my drinking. On the contrary, it seemed like the more they tried to make me stop, and the more I tried to stop, the more I drank. Each time I managed to go without drinking for 30 days, 60 days, or one time even 6 months, (just to prove I could) I would fall deeper into the Black Hole of addiction when I resumed my daily habit. The last 2 years of my drinking, I didn't even bother to attempt giving it up. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would die a hopeless, helpless, worthless drunk. I mean, if my spouse of nearly 30 years and my own flesh and blood daughter couldn't help me, and I couldn't do it on my own, then what hope did I have?

   That answer came from God, who sent me to AA, who led me back to God. My confused, complicated, chaotic, self-destructive life was suddenly simplified and the solution summed up in one sentence. "That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism."
Today I am grateful for a Power greater than myself.

Feb 23, 2005

   Pages 60 and 61 talk about the alcoholic's need to "run the whole show." I remember those times well. I still catch myself writing mental scripts every once in a while. Old habits die hard I guess. In my B.S. days (Before Sobriety) script-writing was a daily habit. I'd be drunk and my husband would be due home from work. In my head, or even aloud, I'd predict that he would say 'this' when he came through the door, then I would say 'that' and then he'd reply with 'yada yada yada' and I'd yell back with some 'blah blah blah.' Of course, he never played his role correctly and that would enrage me.

    Yikes! What a chaotic household I lived in. I created it and I thrived on it. It wasn't even a real world I lived in. It was an alcoholic distortion of life. Today I am grateful for my real life, and words from my heart that aren't scripted.

Feb 24, 2005

  Inspired by Pat; The Keeper of the Angels .

  When you're housebound, especially with children only, it's a great comfort to know you can pick up the phone a call another alcoholic for a "fix" of sanity. I don't know how many times I've been saved by the sound of a Wonderful Woman's voice when I couldn't get out of the house. It's truly music to my ears. E-mail is a fantastic way to stay in touch, but to hear an AA Angel when you're in need, is a gift indeed. A few years ago, I had no friends to call, and my family had no desire to listen to my hateful, judgmental mouth, but today I actually have a PHONE LIST.....a WHOLE list of women's phone numbers. Who'd a thunk it??

   I would say I'm the luckiest woman in the world, but that title has already been taken by Angel Pat.

Today I am grateful to Alexander Graham Bell.

Feb 25, 2005

   It's only been about 7 weeks since I started these daily musings. The first one was written after a memorial service for a fellow alcoholic. Today, there will be another one buried. Another notch in the belt of King Alcohol. Another floundering soul who couldn't find her way out of this disease.

  Step 12 says that "we tried to carry this message to alcoholics" and that is all we can do. It is heartbreaking to lose one more beautiful woman, but we must stay our course and keep trying to carry the message. We must give back what we have been given---hope and life. We are not miracle workers, nor are we saviors. We are merely messengers. Let us say a prayer for Cheryl today, and do our best to transmit hope to others like her who still suffer.
Today I am grateful to those who never gave up on me.


Feb 26, 2005

  "Having a tremendous capacity for alcohol may make us proud, but it's like telling someone with tuberculosis that they cough very well." (anonymous)

  How well I remember those days when I wore my ability to consume insane amounts of alcohol as a badge of honor. Before it became shameful and loathsome, it was something I was actually PROUD of......How insane is that? When I was younger, I prided myself on drinking everyone else under the table.....especially the men, and my husband in particular. My ego was inflated every time he took a sip of my drink and made a face. He'd say "Whew! That's strong!!" Of course I'd reply, "Well, if you can't handle it, go make yourself a sissy drink."
Mercy Sakes......I was a sick puppy.
Today I am proud of NOT drinking and for that, I am grateful.


Feb 27, 2005

"What a different world this would be if people would magnify their blessings the way they do their troubles." (anonymous)

  As a sponsor, I have often heard these words from my sponsees---"You just don't understand!"  Well, I beg to differ, but Yes, I do. I've trudged that path of misery, and now I choose to walk a different path. The key word is 'choice.'  I can choose to wallow in self-pity and self-imposed drama, or I can choose to focus on my blessings and keep moving forward. There is great danger in victim mentality. Those who stay in it are destined to unhappiness. I choose to accept responsibility for my part in the tribulations of my life. Heck---most of them were "of my own making" and lit and fueled by alcohol anyway. I've heard this many times since I came to AA.....When you point your finger at someone, there are 3 more pointing right back at you. Amen! Today I am grateful I no longer see myself as a victim.

Feb 28, 2005

"Amazing grace--how sweet the sound--that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost but now am found--was blind but now I see. Through many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come; 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home." (John Newton)
  I am alive and sober today because of this gift; the gift of amazing grace. These two verses could have been written by an alcoholic just like me. My life is summed up in these verses. To refuse this gift would have meant certain death for me. It was given freely, and He who gave it, wants only for me to be grateful and happy. I was an unhappy wretch; I was lost and blind. I came through many dangers, toils, and snares virtually unscathed. I am a miracle.
Today, I am grateful for Amazing Grace.