January

Jan 8, 2005

  I awoke this morning~~awoke, there's a miracle in itself. I used to "come to." I opened my eyes and said my morning prayer of gratitude. The memory of yesterday wafted into my threshold of consciousness. Another alcoholic buried, another life wasted. One more lost soul who couldn't stop putting that glass of poison to her lips. I walked outside to feed the birds a few minutes later and my heart overflowed with gratitude. I had eyes with which I could view the sky, the clouds, even the trash that had blown against my fence in the fierce winds yesterday......kind of a bummer, but I know I won't drink over it like I would have 3 years ago. I had ears to hear the excited and frantic chirping and fussing of the birds. I had my sense of smell that allowed me to drink in the minty, desert aroma of the native sages. I had legs that were getting me to my destination. I had hands to pick up the newspaper. I know in my heart of hearts that it could have been me that was mourned yesterday. I am here by the grace of God, an "unmerited favor."

   I feel sorrow for those who can't accept the gift of grace, because it is truly a gift. I could have marked it "return to sender," and continued on my path of self-destruction, but I chose to accept it, even though I didn't believe I deserved it. My duty now is to please the Giver. That is the only 'thank-you' card He requires.

January 9, 2005

" For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige, and romance. When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there  enough of what we thought we wanted." ( 12 and 12, page 71)

   What I wanted, but didn't know until I came to AA, was self-love, self-worth, inner peace, and an explanation for my existence. I could not believe my reason for being here was to be a good wife and mother, because I was failing at that. I certainly wasn't a Marie Curie or Rosa Parks.  I wasn't writing magnificent books that would change people's lives. I wasn't doing anything but drinking, wreaking havoc, and dying. Nor did there seem to be any Divine Purpose for my being born. I needed to know why I was on this planet. I found peace in AA; I learned to love myself; I developed self-worth. Have I found an explanation for my existence? Yes, every, single day in a thousand different ways. Sometimes I find it in the pale, terrified face of a newcomer. Other times, in the miracle of friendships and bonds I've been blessed with. And if I can stay sober today, I'm sure I'll find a thousand more.

Jan 10,2005

I like to refer to my life before AA as my B.S. days... Before Sobriety. Of course, the more common definition of BS is probably more accurate. Nothing was genuine; I wasn't genuine. I was a fraud. Smiling on the outside, sobbing on the inside. I love feeling a smile today that starts deep in my heart and travels to my face.  My BS smiles were superficial, but the river of tears on the inside was real. That river is drying up now, and I am discovering what it means to have me "insides match my outside."  I've heard so many priceless gems in the rooms of AA and it's a glorious thing when I actually experience something I've only heard about from those who have travelled this path before me.

Jan 11,2005

When the Tower of Babel (most AA members call it "the committee") is roaring in my head, I recite these verses I composed, silently in my mind, to quiet the verbal storm. It has worked better than any sleeping pill on those nights when the cacophony keeps me awake. It has slowed down my racing heart and stilled my churning bowels when my knickers are in a twist, or I am battling inner turmoil.

   " All is well in my world, I approve of myself --I am safe, I am free, I have worth . I can learn from my past; I can grow now at last , And today, I celebrate my birth . God is here in my heart; He was there from the start --Though I tried to deny Him His place . Now He guides me each day; what I do, what I say, and today, I am saved by His grace."

Jan 12, 2005

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it." (Mathilda Gage)
  I don't know about the rest of you, but I LOVE quotes. The above quote reminds me of another one I heard in an AA meeting~~ "Instead of waiting for your ship to come in, why not swim out and meet it?"  For so many years as a practicing alcoholic, I had unrealistic expectations of everyone. I held my husband personally responsible for my happiness AND my misery. I blamed my sisters for making ME angry. I resented my mother for making my childhood so lonely and unhappy. And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo. Yawn! Thank goodness I have learned in AA that my misery is "of my own making." By the same token, so is my happiness. I can choose to kindle fires instead of complaining about the cold, and I can choose to swim out to meet my ship instead of standing on the shore twiddling my thumbs.

  Was it Abraham Lincoln that said "we're as happy as we decide we want to be?" or something to that effect. We can wake up every morning and say "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be exceedingly glad in it."  OR....we can wake up and say, "Oh God....Morning already? I don't wanna get up...it's gonna be a crappy day, I just know it!!!  And guess what?  It will be.

Jan 13, 2005

I was singing a song I love on the way home from the bowling alley tonight that was written by a man named Dallas Frazier. It's called Big Mabel Murphy and there's a line that says: "They say Little Melvin ~~ Got wild on bathtub gin ~~ 'Cause it made him grow to almost twice his size."

   Boy, does that strike a chord with me. I drank to feel bigger, better, smarter....you know the feeling, you've been there. What I thought of tonight was, what good did it do me to grow to twice my size, when I felt so darn small the next morning?? It didn't do Little Melvin any good either. According to the song, he'd get drunk and try to sass Big Mabel and then "poor Little Melvin ~~ Woke up every morning ~~ With two black eyes and knuckle bumps on his head."
Yup, been there, done that too.

Jan 14, 2005

" The sweetness of life is only noticed if we taste it." (unknown)
  How true that statement is!  I was thinking of that Garth Brooks song the other day, The River. The chorus is: I will sail my vessel, til the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky---I'll never reach my destination, if I never try, so I will sail my vessel, til the river runs dry." There's another line I love that goes "So don't you sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied....choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tide." Isn't that a great recipe for life? We had so much fear when we were drinking, we denied ourselves many opportunities to taste life, chance the rapids and dance the tide. I am grateful to be sailing my vessel now, sober and alive. I will reach my destination, one day at a time. And I will taste the sweetness of life. Jack Daniels can't hold a candle to that flavor.

 Jan 15, 2005

Flipping through my journal last night, I paused to reflect when I came across this entry dated Dec 3rd, 2001. I was 70 days sober when I wrote: "I am working on Step 4....what a paradox. Digging up dirt makes my soul feel soiled all over again, yet at the same time, I feel a cleansing."  I believed my sponsor when she said I'd drink again if I didn't complete Steps 4 and 5 with brutal and complete honesty. The Big Book says so too, it's on pages 72 and 73. I was terrified to reveal those shameful secrets to another human being, but the fear of falling back into that pit of darkness and despair was greater, so I chose the "lesser of two evils." The best way I can describe my feelings after I finished Step 5 can be described in the chorus of a gospel song called "I'm Free"

"I'm free from the fear of tomorrow , I'm free from the guilt of my past . I've traded my shackles for a glorious song, I'm free, praise the Lord, free at last."

Jan 16, 2005

"But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life." (Big Book, p132 )

  I recently had to seek the advice of some AA veterans when I left a meeting feeling blue and confused. In a nutshell, this is the explanation the Wise Ones gave me as a reason for my feelings. According to one of the sages whose advice I sought, I left the meeting depressed because "there had been more disease spread than recovery."   I was then able to Let It Go and enjoy the rest of my day. Special thanks to the Keeper of the Angels.

Jan 17, 2005

FOOD for THOUGHT : When someone hurts you, or makes you angry---try chewing on it for a while, slowly. Process it, digest it. Don't just spit it back out at them. You can't put words of retaliation back in your mouth and they will give you more emotional indigestion than the other person.

Jan 18, 2005

   "When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" (Big Book, p 53 )

  I came into AA as a militant agnostic. I had turned my back on the God I knew in 1973 when my only brother was killed a month shy of his 15th birthday. I screamed and cursed at Him for being so cruel and heartless and I disowned Him. At that moment in time, in my profound grief and rage, I cut myself off from "the sunlight of the Spirit" and lived in darkness until I came to AA. For me, He is everything.  For me, He is.

Jan 19, 2005

  Feel like drinking? Take 2 meetings and DON'T call me in the morning, call me NOW !  I know these words fall on deaf ears if someone is determined to drink. I've said them myself, and I've heard them spoken. There's much more to a happy, sober life than just not drinking. I think the tornado analogy on page 82 in the Big Book offers valuable insight to the struggle of staying sober. "We feel a man is unthinking when he says sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife he remarked '"Don't see anything the matter here Ma, ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin?' "   My take on that excerpt is if I concentrate on the wreckage of my life and do my best to repair it, I won't want to drink. If I look around, see the damage of my past and say "Oh well, at least I'm not drinking,"  that won't accomplish anything, but it will send me back to the bottle sooner or later so I won't have to look at the ruins.

Jan 20, 2005

"But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge." (Big Book, p 39 )

   I thought I knew all there was to know about everything when I was drinking. I knew how to stop when an ultimatum was issued by my husband or daughter, and I sure knew how to start back up again once I had proven to them I could do it. Self-knowledge got me deeper and deeper into that bottle, year after year. It was the knowledge of those who paved the way before me that finally worked. Bill W., Dr. Bob, and the fellowship of AA put a stop to my "suicide on the installment plan."  Self-knowledge was taking me straight to the crematorium.

Jan 21, 2005

  It works if you work it. " We've all heard that phrase a gazillion times, but how many of us realize how true it is? I've heard conflicting statistics on AA's success rate, but the majority opinion hangs right around 10%. The 12 and 12, page 113 talks about "two-stepping," (which is not to be confused with 13th-stepping.) That's when members feel they can get by in life by working Steps 1 and 12. The rooms of AA might be a social gathering for them, they could be satisfying a dissatisfied mate, or they are fulfilling an obligation to the court. I guess the reasons people "two-step" are as unique as the alcoholic. I know I've been guilty of it myself. I saw a man on the freeway one day holding a cardboard sign that read: "AA doesn't work, I need a beer." What a waste of a good sense of humor! I wish he'd stayed and "worked it."

Jan 22, 2005

" If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison." (Big Book, p 66)

  These words are on my fridge so I can see them many times a day. I was an extremely angry drunk and that anger was toxic, not only to me, but to everyone in my life. The fallout spread far and wide. Today, I try to let my anger go, or to channel it somewhere else, in a healthy manner. I might be fuming inside, but pulling weeds in the flower beds will calm the storm that rages inside. It's perfect for me. I just tell myself with every pull that I'm getting the weeds from my heart so they can't choke out the flowers. If I can't do that, I try to find another way to tame the turmoil, like cleaning house (yuk and ugh) or reading the Big Book, calling a woman in the program, or a number of other storm-stoppers.

Jan 23, 2005

Experience and strength are something I'm building on day by day, but hope is something I've had from my moment of surrender. That hope was re-enforced a hundred-fold when I walked into my first meeting. I saw people, real people--seemingly normal people, which was quite the opposite of what I expected to see. Honestly, I thought I'd be joining the ranks of my fellow low-lifes, bottom-feeders, brown-baggin' winos.  That was my perception of myself. As the first few months passed I realized that alcohol has no prejudice. It will destroy anyone; it crosses all lines of race, religion, class, culture, and gender. One man, handsome guy--articulate, well-dressed professional, shared about how he had ended up homeless, living in an abandoned school. What a difference that made in my perception of people, and how we ALL could have ended up that way or worse. My weary, defeated heart was singing the song of hope when I left that 1st meeting. I think the name of the song was Happy, Joyous, and Free.

Jan 24, 2005

  "Here are some of the methods we have tried" (Big Book, page 31 )
   You receive a booklet from a concerned family member called "The Master Cleanser" which claims to relieve you of all your addictions in only 12 days by method of liquid fasting and detoxification. You gather the ingredients: Pure maple syrup, ordered online from Vermont at 50 dollars a gallon and barely out of the tree; fresh lemons, bottled water, cayenne pepper, Smooth Move tea, and sea salt. Six times a day, you drink a glass of water, syrup, lemon juice, and a dash of cayenne pepper, stirred well. At night, you have a cup of Smooth Move before bedtime and upon arising in the morning, you drink 32 ounces of warm water and sea salt. Then you make yourself comfortable in the bathroom---might as well take War and Peace in there to read because this part is called your "inner bath" and it's a looooooong bath. I think my innards must have looked like prunes when I finished in there each morning. However, the water that came out "in the end" each morning was so clear, I probably could have recycled it back into the bottles. (yuk and ugh....I'm sorry to be so graphic)

  The sadist who came up with this regiment promised a new life, free of drug, alcohol, and tobacco cravings. He said all the toxins would be gone, forever and ever amen,  AND you'd win a set of Ginsu Knives......no no---you'd lose weight too, that was it. I lost 14 pounds in those twelve days. Unfortunately, I didn't unload any of the "crap" in my head. On day 13, you can treat yourself to a big glass of orange juice to prepare your body for homemade vegetable soup on day 14. I poured my glass half full of OJ, filled it the rest of the way with vodka and lit a cigarette.  'Nuff said.

Jan 25, 2005

I never could stop,
Always had to have more.
Then I'd spend the night on the bathroom floor.
Time after time, glass after glass,
Mr. Jack Daniels would kick my ass.
We'd talk to Ralph on the Big White Phone,
Moan and puke, puke and moan.
Til one day I heard a voice that said,
"Better get to AA or you're gonna get dead.

Jan 26, 2005


Jan 27, 2005

The 12 Steps Backward ( not recommended )
1. You don't admit to being powerless over anything, and you can manage your life and everyone else.
2. You came to believe you could drive everyone insane
3. You made a decision to keep running your life on self-will.
4. You made a searching a fearless moral inventory of everyone but yourself
5. You don't admit anything to anyone
6. You were entirely willing to exhibit your defects of character
7. You asked God to remove everyone else's shortcomings
8. You made a list of all people you wanted to get back at for making your life miserable.
9. You made direct trouble for those people wherever possible, specifically to injure them or others.
10. You continued to take other's inventory and never admitted to being wrong.
11. You sought through negativity and ego to ruin everyone's day, praying only that you could stir up some controversy.
12. You had no awakening as a result of these steps, so you continue to carry your message of misery to others and practice belligerence in all your affairs.

Jan 28, 2005

" When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry, Thy will be done.' " (big book, page 67)
Speaking for myself, I say this is a TALL order, especially in the heat of the moment. Like everything else in this program, it takes work and practice. This sentence comes right on the heels of the warning about resentment on page 66. " To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while." Anger and resentment are linked together in a deadly chain. I "squandered" half my day yesterday, and I can't get that back.  Today, my goal is to make every moment worthwhile.

Jan 29, 2005

" Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength."
( Corrie Ten Boom )   Projecting myself into the future has always been a character defect. I would write the script in my head, just as I thought it should and would happen, but I'll be darned if the "players" didn't muff their lines every single time, or they just wouldn't show up at all. Harumph!

  Thank goodness for the Big Book. It explained to me on pages 60-62, what I was doing and why I was doing it. Now that I'm aware of "self-propulsion," I can stop it when it starts.  Hopefully anyway.  I just yell "Cut!"

Jan 30, 2005

" Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers." ( Philippians 4:6 )
I would have added 'even if you don't like them' at the end of that verse. Even as a self-proclaimed agnostic, I drunkenly prayed many times for God to "get me out of this," or other selfish things. I remember fearing I had picked up a venereal disease at one point, and I raised my head and declared  "I will believe you're real, if you will make sure I haven't caught anything."  Those are the words of a morally and spiritually sick soul. I am grateful today for the prayer He never answered, no matter  how many times I begged Him to "Please God, just let me die."

Jan 31, 2005

We've all heard the expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Well, I'm here to say that I have grown very fond of you all in the last few days and will grow a lot fonder before it's over. Circumstances beyond my control will keep me out of my regular meetings all week......BUMMER.  It makes me even more grateful for you women and my meetings. One doesn't realize just how much they have until it goes away. Let me take this golden opportunity to say thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me.  It shall sustain me until I can come back and feed from your banquet of wisdom.