"What’s the hardest part of being clean so long?"

I’ve been puzzling on it during the day, "Hmmm? What’s the hardest part?" I don’t really know. It’s funny though, because to me the time went by so fast. The time went by. like the snap of a finger. Yeah, some of the time crept by, but overall it has gone by quickly. I’ve been in recovery longer than some of my hero’s, both men and women. I've been in recovery longer than most of the people in the meetings I attend. I live in a sparsely populated State, so it’s not really fair. I’ve been in recovery longer than most of the people I sponsor have lived on this earth, and that’s funny to me. I’ve been in recovery more than half of my life–Wow!

To put some things in perspective, there are some things that I have had to work on and these might help sort out the "Hardest" part.

Being in recovery isn’t a destination, it isn’t a fashion statement or a badge that I can wear on my sleeve. It’s a Lifestyle that demands some really hard things. I’ve sat in stages of recovery where I became stagnant and I had to become willing to change again. I’ve done things in recovery that make me shudder because of how wrong they were.

It was simple when I came in. I had to stop my addiction and I put all of my energy into that one thing. As I worked my way through the Steps my first time I learned more with each layer of the onion that I peeled away. As I did the Steps I learned about the process that I was going to be giving myself over to--totally. At times, as I walked the road of recovery I had to learn things about myself and I had to become willing to keep moving. Easy way or the right way? That decision has come to mean a lot to me.

Easy, you bet, I love that way! I love the easy road. Things are simple and I can start on something different when the easy things are finished. Making amends for the wrongs I had committed? I had my list and I had my targets. I started plinking off my targets. "Wow, this is easy." I thought. I’d see someone make my amend, scratch them off and go on about my life. The sponsor that I was using didn’t demand much of me and I was glad. I’d picked him for his recovery and I liked the way he lived his life. They had what I wanted. They talked the talk I liked hearing.

Three years into our sponsorship I was self imploding. My wheels were falling off. I wasn’t getting better, I was getting worse, and I had no idea why. At a meeting in a totally different part of Minneapolis, I was sitting, listening to the a man share, who had come into recovery at about the same age I had come in. He was sharing about his, "Deep Shallow Days.." I loved his sense of humor so I listened instead of looking around for a pretty girl to entice into going out with me. Listening to that man share, saved my life, and put it on the track that I’m still on today.

I asked him to sponsor me and he agreed. We started working together and with his help I found out some things about myself I hadn’t known, or wanted to see. I also started growing up. Growing up isn’t the hardest thing I don’t think, but I’d put it in the top five. Sitting with that man, learning from him, watching him do the things he does inspired me. I learned to stop picking wimpy sponsors and pick sponsors that would challenge me, and encourage me to grow. Wimpy sponsorship only encourages wimpy recovery. I was wimpy in my recovery and I didn’t have a large enough concept of recovery to help me grow. Going back through the steps with him I started to learn. I started to experience what recovery was and just how life was really meant to be And, ouch, growing pains were coming my way. The very first night I was with him I had to recap for him what I’d learned and where I was at that time in my recovery. I recapped what I was doing.

"Here’s what I know about recovery, He started. "Everyone comes into recovery with lots of similar things. We’re going to go through each part, we’re going to dump your life out and look at it. Some of it we’re going to keep. Some we’re going to have to look at really close and then make it work. Some we’re going to have to get rid of totally.

The totally part was fine with me. I understood that. The ""Make it work"" part that caused pain and even today it still does cause pain at times. Pain is something everyone with a good mind tries to avoid. The ‘ouch’s’ of life. I try my best to avoid those with frequency. Well, that’s the easy road. I learned from that man that when I choose easy that’s not really a bad thing or a wrong thing but I need to make sure that I’ve done the work that allows me to short cut.

I love to ski and I’m a really good skier. I’ve put my time in and I’ve done just about everything there is to do on skis. That said, I understand that if I do something I pay a price for it somehow. If I take a run down the mountain, I understand most of the things that will be coming my way I’m prepared for it. I’ve done the footwork for years and I’m ready for the harsh realities of just what a mountain can toss my way. I was at Crystal Mountain just outside of Seattle Washington It’s a gorgeous place, one of the most beautiful mountains there is. The day I was there it was just breathtaking and I was there with two of my best friends. The last run of the day we were on our way down from the top of the mountain. I switched skis with one of the people so he could try out my new skis. He wanted to try them and we swapped.. The mistake I made was a beginner mistake. I didn’t adjust his bindings to my level of skiing. I was a lot better than he was and I thought that adjusting the bindings didn’t matter. Halfway down the run I made a turn, clicked out of his bindings and crashed. The fall was a simple fall and on the way into the fall I fought it. Big mistake! I ended up wrecking my shoulder and also ended up being airlifted off the mountain. Cutting corners cost me dearly that day. Just like cutting corners in recovery had cost me dearly in the beginning of recovery.

I learned from that early sponsor, that I had to dig deep. I learned, that the size of my God was totally dependent on my willingness to seek Him. I would sit in meetings and whine about my problems. I’d whine about how poorly I was doing, how terrible my life was. I’d go to meetings wanting to share, hoping someone would rescue me. And many people did try to rescue me. I thought meetings were for sharing the problem. I thought meetings were a constructive way to sell my ideas and have people give me pats on my back. With time, listening to my sponsor, I learned that the right way was to do the work I needed to do through studying and working The Steps, and I began to grow up.